2. A Definitive (Poetry)

-Twenty Six-

Always Playing With Fire:

Always tipping my fingers near the edge 

Waiting to catch fire in my hands or burn 

Because I was never the one to play with light

I was a quiet girl unsure of my own sight

Afraid of the mirrors reflection, a reflection I fight 

Playing with fire now is how pain becomes gold 

Intentions to win no longer unsure 

Attention to attention, detail in being assured 

Blocking out the memory of a girl from a time before

For a girl who just wants to feel like a somebody but even more than that

Paving the way for a girl who knows how to play the game, no defence 

Just attack 

I teetered on the edge for more, trying to prove myself I implore

The farthest reaches of my mask like features pulling at the seams before

The stitches come apart completely and sew myself back how I see fit 

Always pushing above my weight to be the it

And not the what 

An invisible quiet girl learnt how to feel too much

Ignored like a shadow, a woman learns to give just enough

Of her pieces to bat far above her weight

Because the only times she feels alive is when she's faced

With opportunities that would never dare reflect the freak before 

To be the funny one, but more than that, to be the beautiful, the dream

A toxic fascination with being anything than me, whoever that might be 

To play fire with the boys who break hearts unintentionally 

Only feeling like enough when I have the attention of those who reflect the sun

Because maybe then I will finally feel like I'm enough in their afterglow of what I've done 

A sickly sweet smile that burns my teeth

Pushed across my face at the sight of old memories ran in to on the street

I smile and nod, too busy to stop and talk

Like I'm too good for the memories of the girl who was 

Popular, pretty, just enough to love, 

But sometimes the game has to stop

And I stop trying to play with the fire to win

And the flames burn my fingers before I can begin

To pull my damn greedy hands out of the way

Insecurities and me creep back in and my heart forgets to play

To play the game and I fall in too deep

And that scares me because I'm really touching the flames again this time to seek

The validation, the feelings he once gave me

And I don't want you to remind me so much of him even if you're the same type of flame

Because a fool will make me if I lose this game again to another boy the same 

Always tipping my fingers near the edge 

To feel like I deserve to be here and I'm scared

Because who I am, who I was and this thing I can be

Are all fighting to eat the flames that threaten to devour me

Why does my heart always need to play these games? 

~J.K.M.