The Broken Mirror {COMPLETED}

They Tried to Make Me Go to Rehab

I can feel the bright hospital lights through my eyelids. There's a nasal cannula in my nose, which is better than having that tube down my throat. I can hear everyone talking around me. Somehow, I am alive, again. I was not trying to kill myself, but just not feel for a while, but if death had taken me, it would have been a warm welcome after that fight with my mother.

I don't want to open my eyes, yet. I don't want to have an awkward conversation. The room I can tell is full of people. I hear Cookie, my dad and Apollo. I also hear my friends, Gabrielle, Ethan, Kristin, and Brittany. I wait for a moment and then I hear his voice, Xavier's. I know this is supposed to be serious, but I cannot help but think, how many brain cells I've killed over the last couple of years. I'm getting tired of myself.

I take a deep breath and slowly open my eyes, ready to face them. They all stop talking as I try to sit up slowly, which was a bad idea. The movement makes the room spin. I take in the sight of them all. They are either sitting on the floor or on the couch. There are more chairs in here than there should be. Xavier has that sketchpad, again.

"I need water," I finally say. Xavier gets up and grabs a pitcher of water and pours me a cup. He sticks a straw in it and helps me to drink. I watch him as I sip on the water that helps my dry throat. I don't know what to say. Should I apologize for fucking up again? I won't be asking for my mother, again. She's dead to me.

"You went into respiratory failure," Cookie tells me. I nod my head. Not my first time, yeah, I know I got dead brain cells.

"Coma?" I ask her. She shakes her head no. Good; it was not as bad as last time. I had a feeling when I didn't have a breathing tube and I feel like I'm going through withdrawal.

"It's still been two days," Xavier tells me. I can barely look at him. He pushes some of my hair behind my ear. He sits next to me on the bed, facing me. My guilt is overwhelming, because my family is back in here, worried about me. Now, I have my friends looking at me the same way. I lay my head back realizing there is nothing I can say, and there is not much they can say to me.

I know they all must be angry with me. I'm angry with me for being such a fuck up. They all look at me with anticipation to say something, but I don't. My emotions growing with every awkward second. When it finally becomes too much, tears finally roll down my cheek and Xavier grabs me quickly. He was watching me the entire time. He holds me like he always does, and I bury my face in his chest. They all deserve better than me.

They keep me for a couple of days. Xavier does not leave my side, missing class to be with me. I argue with him about it, but he does not want to hear it. He takes me home when they release me, making sure I get settled in. My grandmother allows him to stay with me for one night.

My family flew home, once I was released. I heard my mom left after they admitted me to the hospital. I did not ask where she was, they decided to tell me as if I care anymore. Who wants to talk to a woman who wants you dead? She would have slammed my head into the floor if I hadn't punched her in the face. How did we get here? When a mother holds their baby when they are young, do they think that one day they will try and smash that baby's head into a wood floor? She was probably disappointed that the fentanyl didn't take me like it was trying to.

I finally can convince Xavier to go back to school. I think he's scared to leave me alone. I would be scared, too, but I need to be alone. I have things to think about. I listen to music and get lost in my thoughts. I've been having conversations with Cookie when Xavier is not in the same room about what I need. I'm tired of my behavior.

If I do not take care of myself, there will be a next time, and in that next time, am I lucky enough to cheat death? Or will I or someone I love's life be taken from me like Calypso? Do I want more blood on my hands? The demon I see in the mirror needs to be exorcised. I only know of one way of doing that.