an epic saga

there are weirder things to learn about death

   Alex bounded over to where I stood at the pink snack table. For some reason, the tables were separated into "colours". I say quotation marks colours quotation marks because, unless everyone else saw colours differently to me, absolutely none of the snacks on the "pink" table were pink. 

   On that table were little olives coated in chocolate on cocktail sticks, all poked into a slice of melon like you might do with grapes and cheese. As well as this, there were at least three plates of rolled up fish fillets which had filled the air with the most unholy stench imaginable. I was stood by that table because, compared to the others, it was the least awful.

   Anyway. Alex is bounding over. His tongue's lolling out everywhere, he's so excited. Don't know why I switched to present tense there, what with this being a retrospective tale that's being recounted by one of my ancestors in front of the court as a bard sings the song of my people. So. Alex bounded over.

   "They're crowning the cHOsEn One," he exclaimed, eyes literally sparkling. I think he had some glitter caught on his eyelash or something. "I've been waiting for this day for so long!" he squealed, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet. "I spent so long going through all the paperwork and the citations needed to even get into the application office for this position, you have no idea."

   "I thought you were the Star Prince; why'd you need another title?"

   "Not enough leeway with what the Star Prince is and isn't allowed to do. If I'm cHOsEn One I can do whatever I want and say it's my destiny and no one can argue."

   "Ahh, so completely non-corrupt reasons." I sipped my drink, and quietly dribbled it back into the cup. Who the fuck puts vinegar in water jugs?? "Nice to know that the nation will have a leader with the people's best interests at heart."

   "Yeeeees," Alex murmured darkly to himself, rubbing his hands together.

   "Didn't you think I was the cHOsEn One?" I asked, remembering our first conversation. "How come you thought it was me if someone has to be officially crowned?"

   "Well they kind of did away with it because the last one went insane and did a load of bat-shit crazy stuff, then disappeared into the Scandinavian forest and hasn't been seen for years, and you seemed like the right kind of person for that."

   "Are you kiDDIN-" 

   And just before I could throw hands with a twelve year old, a surge of movement towards the stage told me that the priest guy, Conduit to Our Liege And Saviour Bool or whatever, had returned.

   "Gathered loyal adoring devoted followers of our Most Holy and Brilliant Liege and Saviour Bool, it has come to light that our Most Benevolent and Generous Overlord, whom has answered our prayers so graciously, now has one small, tiny, barely relevant request to make of all you kind, generous benefactors.

   "Our Glorious Liege and Saviour may have run up a rather large uhh- hospital bill, a hospital bill. A large hospital bill. While saving us lowly mortals from a terrible fate. And so, any donations would be most gratefully welcomed by Our Most Kindly and Loyal Liege And Saviour Bool. 

   "Please, spare anything you can give for They Who Have Protected Us From Dragons And Export Tax. The Chest For Selfless Souls will be brought forth after the coronation."

   He bowed solemnly, low enough and suddenly enough for his cloak to flop forward over his head, and backed into the wings like this.

   Several minutes passed slowly. I was uncomfortably aware of the fact that I was the only one showing any signs of boredom. No one else was so much as swinging their arms, and I was full on shuffle-dancing-tapping-toes-clicking-tongue.