Catch Me

Chapter 16- Dirty Little Secret

A tear fell down my cheek as I closed the front door to my childhood home. 

It had never been exactly clean after mom died, dad usually made me clean up and I could never keep up with how messy he was. But looking around at my old home now, whatever cleaning I had been able to accomplish was worlds better than was it looked like now. 

Animal feces on the ground. Boxes piled high towards the ceiling which was covered in cobwebs. There was a film of dust and dirt over every surface. The carpet was ripped to shreds. Everything was in a state of disarray and filth. I looked into the corner of the living room and there it was. The old armchair that my father had ruled over me in. It was still as drab as it had always looked, it was just covered in cat hair now. I kept hearing papers shuffling around me and figured it was either roaches, cats or both. We had never had pets so I had to assume that they had come into the home after I abandoned it. 

I took a few steps in, cringing at the soggy papers and boxes that were under my feet, sagging under my weight. I was forced to take shallow breaths because of the horrible animal smell and garbage scent in the air. I wasn't sure what I should be looking for. I didn't know where my dad lived. I knew he was still the last person to live in the house that had been easy to find online using my work systems. I needed to find out where he had gone since he abandoned this house. It had clearly been a while since anyone was inside. 

My father had never let me go into his and my moms bedroom after she died. I had no idea if there would be any files or anything in there but it was the only place I could think of to start. 

I walked down the hall, glancing at the closet...my closet. My little cell that I had grown up in. 

Keep walking, keep going. Don't look again.

I turned my head away trying to focus and calm the pit in my stomach as memories were pressing to be brought to my subconscious. 

Entering my parent's room I was amazed. It was practically spotless. Sure it was dusty and had outdated furniture, but it was clean. The bed was made, the curtains were drawn, there was even a dried bouquet of roses on the nightstand. 

This was the one room my dad had taken care of. He kept my moms things beautiful and clean because that is what she would have done. Was it possible that my dad had some sort of heart left in that evil shell? 

If there was any heart it was towards my mom's memory not the daughter who was traumatized because of him. I walked to the dresser, lifting clothes up trying to find anything that could help me. Coming up empty, I moved to the closet, and was greeted with the thing I had been needing to find. 

A filing cabinet. 

It was like my prayers had been answered. Pulling file after file, searching for documents with my dad's name on it and any dates that were recent, what I found instead was file, after file, after fucking file, of porn.

And not just any porn. Polaroids, printed photos of me. Me in the bathtub. Me with undies on. Me with nothing on. Me sleeping. Me posed. Me in lingerie. Me performing sex acts on him. From newborn till I was 15 he had a photo for every day that I was in that house. How he had hid this from my mother I had no idea. 

The disgust and bile rose in my throat. I was shaking, my knees felt weak. I sat on the bed, surrounded by the horrifying photos. 

I felt like I couldn't even breathe. I had known that my father was messed up. I knew what he did to me physically was deplorable. 

I felt more disgusted now knowing that he had been able to hold onto these photos and my naked body long after I left home. 

I'm going to find that bastard if it kills me. 

It was with this thought that I gathered up the photos, and went back to the filing cabinet, determined to find something, anything that could help me.