The Best Dream

Voices

I tried to speak but no words came out.

I'm not strong enough! Please!

They came at me one after the other, each one more painful than the last.

I thought I suffered enough.

I furiously fought against my body, desperately tying to move but I remained paralysed.

WAKE ME UP!

My body shot up and I gasped for air.

I coughed and sputtered.

I held my face, wet from tears, trying to calm my shaking body.

My back arched and my fists clenched around my soaked pillow, saliva pouring out onto it.

I stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity before I was finally able to compose myself.

Why me?

So many people have done so much worse in their lifetimes, so why do I have to live this torture, God?

I held close my body, which was shaking both from the trauma and my growing anger.

I don't want your reminders of all the ways I screwed up my life, I'm already living them.

I don't need more reasons why I shouldn't exist, I get enough of that.

My sleep should be my peace, my safe haven, I shouldn't have to be dealing with this stuff every single night.

Regaining my strength, I pushed myself off the bed and dropped to my knees, rummaging beneath the be.

I don't wanna keep remembering.

I don't need to keep remembering.

I pulled out a small book, the size of my hand and a smile crept onto my lips.

Desperately, I flipped the pages.

Entry 18
I'm scared..

Entry 25
...saw him in the halls...

Entry 41
...miss her so much...

Entry 59
I couldn't face him..

Entry 70
...I'm not strong enough...

Entry 77
...I don't wanna live.

I slammed the book shut and ran to the bathroom door, fiddled with the handle and stumbled inside.

I turned the tap on in the bathtub and watched the water fill up.

No baths this morning..

I tossed the book in and watched in satisfaction as the ink smudged and the pages began to melt away.

Screw the past.

Screw the present.

Screw the future.

I'm so done with all of it.

.....

"Come on! I'm clearly a 10," Russell's loud voice infiltrated my thoughts.

My head spun from the influx of memories pouring in. Every anniversary my parents had floated around in my head, my guilt growing with each one.

"Sorry Russ. You got a banging face but that body isn't doin' you any favours."