She Gives Critiques (CLOSED)

9. Crownless

Crownless
Written by: PerilousDemoiselle

Note: I'm no professional nor gifted when it comes to writing. I don't sugarcoat words either so everything I'm gonna tell here is purely based on my knowledge, and I may have probably missed some flaws but I hope it could really help you to improve more. Keep writing!

Overall Comment:

Hallo! Una sa lahat, humihingi po ako ng tawad kasi sobrang late ko na nai-post ito. Life happens and that's it. I think you already got it hahaha. Those unexpected situations can really ruin your whole schedule. It was supposed to be posted last week, but it ended up posting this week. Sana po ay maintindihan po ninyo kaya po sobrang na-late ang pag-post.

So here are your concerns you want me to elaborate here:

• About the Story Flow

You have read my literary work, May Fourteenth, and if you haven't noticed, most of the chapters there are in a whole flashback. I became wise on how and where should I put 'em; I had to fight my own mind because I want this story to be effective and not to be a confusion to everyone. So ano po ang ginawa ko since ang balak ko talaga sa istoryang iyon ay puro flashback?

One: I put the word 'Present' if the scene's already in the present and two: I input dates on the title chapters to imply them that, oh, nasa past na ulit. Wise? Wise.

Ganoon din ang ginawa mo sa story mo. May nakalagay na, for e.g. one year ago... before the readers could read the whole context. I have understood the next parts are in the past because of that so that means, you just did it right. It did not confuse me at all.

However, you have to be wise and creative in putting the flashbacks. Uulitin ko, the whole story did not confuse me. You've made it clear whether the part is in the past or it's now in the present. And as I observed your work, sa akin kasi ay okay lang naman ang gano'n. But gaya nga ng sinasabi ko minsan, iba-iba ang pag-iisip ng mga tao. May ilang mage-gets agad, may ilang mahihirapang intindihin o sundan.

You have inputted flashbacks na nasa magkakaiba't sunod-sunod na chapter, which can make the readers forgot what was really happening in the present. Para bang pinakain mo ang isang manok ng pagkarami-raming pagkain sa isang araw. You've fed us too many information to the point that I have already forgotten na inaalala niya nga lang pala ito. That makes the story slow and it felt like the story of the protagonist is not really moving at all. Although gumalaw naman after those flashbacks, still, just be creative and smart in putting 'em. You're the writer of this story. Ikaw dapat ang nakakaalam kung nararapat na ba itong banggitin o hindi pa.

• Is the story boring to read?

'Boring,' it depends on how you define it. May ilang tao kasi na porke't hindi nila preference ang ganoong istorya, they implied it na as 'boring,' which is a wrong way to put it. Lahat ng story ay hindi boring. Nakadepende lang 'yan sa kung ano ang preference ng mga mambabasa.

And if you wanna ask me about my reader's perspective, I can say that your story is my cup of tea. I personally like this story (which is very rare of me. Congrats), not only because of how it was well-written, I also like the story itself. Hindi ito gaanong kakaiba at may ilang scenes na pamilyar na pero kahit gano'n, babasahi't babasahin mo talaga dahil may inilagay ka atang mahika sa story, charot. Nah, it's because of your writing voice. I like how you play with words metaphorically and how the story's been told. You did it just well! Noice!

So iyon nga, depende lang talaga sa preference ng tao kung magugustuhan niya ba ang story na 'to o hindi. Imbes na tanungin mo sa sarili mo kung boring ba ito, alamin mo kung sino-sino ang mga puwedeng bumasa sa ginagawa mong kuwento. Know your audience, ika nga. Kung magpapahayag ka ng isang kuwento tungkol kay God at ang audience na pinahahayagan mo ay mga Atheist, mukhang nagkakamali ka ata ng stage na napuntahan.