She Gives Critiques (CLOSED)

11. Agatha: The Descendant of Heaven

Agatha: The Descendant of Heaven
Written by: bimaia

Note: I'm no professional nor gifted when it comes to writing. I don't sugarcoat words either so everything I'm gonna tell here is purely based on my knowledge, and I may have probably missed some flaws but I hope it could really help you to improve more. Keep writing!

Overall Comment:

Hallo! Thank you for your long patience. I know you've been waiting longer than the usual. I was bombarded with stuff these days that I need to be finished, so I really, really thank you for waiting this long. Anyway, so hindi rin naman 'to magiging mahaba. Lahat po ng babanggitin ko ay pawang opinyon ko lamang, and since tatlong parts pa lang naman po ang nakapaloob dito, hindi ko po ito maaaring bigyan ng komento bilang isang buo na. So let's get started, shall we?

About these parts, I can say that you did great at narrating everything. You just described every parts of it that is not really complicated to imagine. However, the timeline's not entirely accurate. Ano'ng ibig kong sabihin diyan? Noong una, nasa medieval times ang setting ng na-i-imagine ko sa kuwento. The vibe's just like it and also, most stories that has kings and these lords whatsoever made me think about it that way. Ngunit nang mabasa ko ang ikalawang kabanata, oo, madali kong na-imagine kung ano'ng mga nangyayari pero hindi ko maiwasang ma-confuse sa setting ng story.

The Chapter 2's setting is kind of modern-ish. Iyong nasa imahinasyon ko ay biglang nagbago at parang napunta na lang ako sa ibang dimensyon as soon as mabasa ko ang parteng iyon. I know it's under fantasy. Lahat ay puwede mong pagsama-samahin dahil fantasy nga ito ngunit may kanya-kanyang ground ang bawat timeline. Puwede mong pagsama-samahin ang bawat magical creature na alam natin ngunit mas maayos kung nasa iisang timeline lang sana sila. Kung tama ang na-i-imagine ko, napagsama o pinagsama mo ang noon sa mundong medyo modern na. Masyadong malawak ang scope ng isinusulat mo kaya kung mainam sana, maging consistent na lang po tayo sa iisang timeline na sa tingin mo ay mas aangkop sa kabuuan ng story. Pati rin kasi ang mga ginamit na word ay nakakalito gaya ng: bro, guwapo, you're so hot, K.O., etc. Ang lalim kasi ng mga ginamit na salita sa una kaya masasabi ko talaga na medyo hindi balanse at maaaring maguluhan ang mga mambabasa. Kumbaga may sinusundan ka nang path tapos bigla tayong tumawid sa isang daan kung saan naiiba at malabo na.

However, if you still want to continue this way, it's fine. It's your own story; I don't have the rights to tell you what you must and what you must not write. Iyon lang, asahan mo na lang po na may ilang mambabasa na maguguluhan sa timeline ng story. But my advice if you really want to proceed: be more creative and give more effort for this to be effective. Nakikita kong kaya mo. You have the voice of a writer; just use it really well and be careful in writing this. Just like what I said, malaki ang magiging sakop nito kaya magiging malaki rin ang expectation ng mambabasa kung paano mo magagawang effective ang ganitong klase ng kuwento.

So going back to other stuff, although the old title, Primordial Demiurge, was kind of interesting, I still prefer this current one. I am curious about Agatha since she was already mentioned at the title. Hindi ko pa rin masyadong mapagdugtong kung para saan ang prologo ng kuwento at kung ano'ng koneksyon ng lahat sa mismong kuwento. Hindi rin nito sinusundan ang blurb na naririto kaya wala pang 'kuwento' na nabubuo sa isip ko. Siguro kung susundan pa ng ilan pang mga kabanata ay mas maiintindihan na ang flow ng kuwento.

Kung ang question mo naman ay, "May magbabasa kaya?" Palagi ko pong sinasabi na mayroon po. Maganda ang paglalathala mo sa kuwento. To be honest, I can feel that you have a lot of plans for this story. Iyon lang, since tatlong parts pa lang ang nakapaloob, wala pa talaga akong masyadong masabi. But if umabot na po ng seven to ten chapters ang story, you can visit this shop again and I can give you a full review regarding those parts. It hooked me actually. I want to know more about this work; I'm actually craving for more. I hope you will continue this story just as what you've planned it at first.