J o s e p h i n e | Chris Cornell |

4. I am the Highway

Seattle, WA
Summer of 2000
Two Years Later

The bell over the door chimes as I swing it open and make my way into the record shop. Felix stands at the counter, a book laid out flat on the vinyl top to pass the time. It had been a chilly walk, but I hadn't felt much of it. Clouds envelope the city in a haze, almost like the storm in my chest is projected over Seattle.

"Jo," Felix greets, discarding the book and stepping around to hug me. His embrace is warm, kind, and I relish the feeling.

"Where's Ryan?" I pinch my eyebrows together, scanning the shop but find him no where.

"He stepped out." Felix rubs the five o'clock shadow decorating his jawline, almost a nervous tick. I eye him with suspicion. "What are you doing here?" He asks as I step around him to check out the boxes of new vinyl on the ground.

"It's Wednesday." My tone is flat. I lazily flip through the records, not paying much attention to what I'm looking at. I don't really care I just needed to get out of the four walls of home.

"Yeah, but Jo, you haven't been in in months." I stop what I'm doing and turn to look at him.

"Say what you really want to say, Felix." I rest a hand on my hip and await the blow I know is bound to land.

"You shouldn't be here." Felix's words come out soft, like a warning. He won't meet my eyes. A dull throb blooms on the left side of my chest and my throat tightens.

"Have I lost you, too?" I whisper, my eyes beginning to burn. Felix steps to me and takes my face in his hands.

"Of course not." He kisses my forehead and wraps me in another embrace. "You could never lose me, Jo."

We're pulled out of the moment by the door chiming and I peek around his shoulder to see Ryan. Behind him stands the source of my pain and my stomach turns. I've never seen Chris look so– so unlike himself. He's cut his hair once again, this time to the shortest length I've ever seen it. His eyes are bloodshot, his clothes messy. At the award ceremony, he'd looked less than well, but he's fallen so much further since then. When he locks eyes with me, he takes a step backwards.

"Oh, hey. I didn't know you were here." Ryan eyes me before looking to Felix, almost asking for help in the uncomfortable situation.

"I was just leaving." I push my way past Felix and Chris steps to the side, giving me space to pass. He says nothing and his gaze stays locked on the ground. I give him one quick look before pushing my way out into the sprinkling rain. My heart shatters in my chest and I gasp for a breath. Once I'm out of sight from the storefront windows, I press my back against the brick of the neighboring business. Hugging the cable knit sweater tighter to my body, I do my best to get myself under control.

"Jo, wait!" I look up to see Ryan jogging towards me, his breath billowing out in a cloud of white condensation. "It isn't what you think."

"What I think is that I've lost my friends to him." My arm raises to motion back towards the shop as I stare at him. There was a time when I could tell Ryan anything. There were no secrets between us, but I guess back then there were no secrets to keep buried.

"He's trying to get clean." That take me by surprise and my mouth opens, closes closes, but no words pass my lips. "He's all fucked up in the head."

"Is he okay?" I ask once I finally get my mind on the same page.

"He's suicidal, Jo. He's wrecked." I look over Ryan's shoulder towards Spin City. A part of me wants to storm back in and demand answers, but another part knows that's not my place anymore. "Felix and I have him on twenty-four hour watch. Nothing is going to happen." It's as if my best friend knows my heart still beats for Chris. I'd dissolve into nothing in a world where he didn't exist.