the brown girl's bible

karens: an essay

type of chapter: look i dont know anymore i just took this from my english classwork

The year is 2019, a group of employees work behind the counter of a Target, chattering happily about their daily lives. Your colleague makes a joke and you laugh. Humming along to the music playing in the store, you gaze around... And freeze. Your humming ceases, the music sounding distorted and broken now. Colour drains from your face as your breathing becomes quicker and shallow. Your colleagues, unaware of the chaos that is about to invade the euphoric atmosphere, carry on serving customers. Striding over, fire burning brightly in her eyes – disgust etched upon her face. She approaches. Dragging her whining child by the ear, she is now right in front of you – the only safety net you have is the counter. "I want to speak to the manager." Karen spits.

Now, for all of you staring at me with blank faces, let me explain. I'm not trying to say I have a vendetta against people named Karen – I'm not about to search up the name on the Land Registry and vibe check every person named that. No, what I'm talking about is the group of middle-aged women, usually moms, that are irritating individuals and a threat to a peaceful society.

Firstly, they're anti-vaxxers. Now I'm sure you've heard of the anti-vax movement and how some people are choosing to not vaccinate their children as, "Vaccines are harmful to my little Mackayleigh!" or "It's all a conspiracy!" In 2017, the UK was declared measles free however, as the anti-vax movement gains traction, cases of measles have begun popping up once more. Doctors can go through years of practice, writing essays and work just to become qualified, yet Karens truly believe that one search on Internet Explorer renders them much more intellectually capable then professionals?

And whilst you might argue that "It's their choice to get their children vaccinated!" It really isn't. Many children simply cannot get vaccines due to being too young or being allergic to the contents of them, these kids rely on herd immunity in order to survive. Herd immunity is when a large amount of the population are immune to a disease, providing some measure of cover for those who are not for reasons including the two mentioned. They should not be put at risk because a Karen decided to play Russian Roulette with her children.

Karens believe that vaccinations can result in Autism, Cancer or even death despite the fact that there is no scientific evidence to support this. Another piece of 'evidence' I've seen is that "People dealt with diseases just fine centuries ago!" No, they didn't Karen! They died!

In the 1700s, many feared catching smallpox, the disease left 1 in 3 people who caught it dead and if you didn't die you could be left with serious problems. However, Edward Jenner created a vaccine for it and by 1980, smallpox was declared eradicated from the world. So why do Karens think that vaccines are an evil virus of Satan? "Oh no! This is saving lives? How harmful!" I know that overpopulation is an issue but I don't think they need to take it into their own hands.

Moving on from the topic of vaccinations, Karens tend to be overly religious sometimes. I'm not saying that being religious is bad at all, however, it's not ok to force your own beliefs onto someone. Instances of this can be seen all over recent media with Karens and many others believing that women shouldn't be allowed abortions. I really don't get it? Karens want women to give birth to children because "children should be allowed to live" but didn't you decide to not vaccinate your child and leave them at risk of dying from an easily preventable disease?

Back to the topic, Karens will say that "The Church doesn't allow abortion, life begins at conception!" However, that comes from a book written by some men centuries ago. Faith should be respected but it should be somewhat private. In such a diverse nation like Britain, where people of different religions (or no religion at all) reside, we all shouldn't be put into one box and be forced to follow the beliefs of just one religion. We shouldn't let one community dictate what laws pass and that's why the state and the church should be separate and neither should interfere with each other – unlike what Karens think.

My third point is that the names that they give their children are simply ridiculous. In the modern-day, there's a fixation on being 'unique' and 'quirky' which I'm sure some of you might've seen memes about. Well, Karens take that aspect to a whole new level by inventing names for their children.

Types of names that I've seen on the internet include, 'Taylee', 'McKarty', 'Taysum' and 'Lakynn'

Personally, I think these names are 'Lakynn' any thought.

The reason these names are such a problem is that kids could get bullied for their name, kids are brutal sometimes and a child with such a name would most likely get teased. Bullying can lead to other problems such as low self-esteem, and that would all stem from a ridiculous name that Karen thought of whilst taking tequila shots with the moms on a school night.

Lastly, and in my opinion, the most important reason that Karens need to go is Minion memes. They're everywhere, those small yellow cretins. And it's even worse when you pair those disgusting gremlins with a 'cheeky quote'

"If you could read my mind, you'd back away slowly then run for your life!" Karen, I don't need to be able to mind-read to do that, as soon as I saw that you reposted a minion meme, I was blasting off in the opposite direction.

So, Karens should be eradicated just like diseases because they are: entitled, carry harmful beliefs that could endanger their children and have horrible tastes in memes. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

a/n: it's been a while uh