The Maiden Who Fell Through Time

CHAPTER 21: "What's Left Unspoken- The Nightmare & The Looking Glass"

[AN: Apologies for the months long delay- here on out updates and new chapters are likely to be painfully slow...because life is shit right now and I gotta adult y'all and sort myself out. 

Again, sincere apologies. Hope you enjoy the chapter and those to come.]

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Our fondness for one another prior to the lakeside occurrence had grown slowly but steadily over the passing days; however, it remained largely hidden from outside parties. We hadn't been physical with one another apart from the odd stolen kiss here and there away from the sight of the other men (I hadn't wanted to deal with the awkwardness of the whole band knowing about us...at least not until I fully knew what exactly we were or what we were shaping up to be); so the tension between us had remained ever present and high.

Also, I couldn't help but think that he omitted a few details pertaining to our mission- certain particulars that he was choosing to hide from me. My intuition could tell me something was wrong; Uhtred was becoming distant at times- not necessarily in the physical sense but in the mental sense almost. His mind seemed to always be elsewhere; and I would catch him oftentimes staring at me with this perplexing look upon his face, and when I asked him what was the matter, he would just smile and shake the look off- moving to distract me or to change subjects.

It was so unlike what I had come to know of the warrior thus far. He seemed so direct, so bold, so confident; he was admittedly all those things and more of course; but now...now he seemed different...he seemed not so much embodying those previous qualities as he had once before. Uhtred seemed as if he was concerned, worried about something almost; which was far from the seemingly carefree Uhtred I had come to know and grow increasingly fond of.

I had of course since forgiven Uhtred of his role in the whole lakeside debacle, and we more or less had picked up our relationship where it left off, minus a few hiccups here and there of course, and of course minus the aforementioned. We would- like many couples, often fall into little tiffs and arguments with one another; and the problem with it all of course was that we were both at times stubborn, and hot-headed, which made it all the more volatile when we did quarrel. An even larger problem was that I unlike Uhtred had a tendency to let my anger and my emotions run away with me. Uhtred was far more rational than I was admittedly, and also in a weird way sensible (although you wouldn't guess it at first glance)- I however was not.

I had thought that I once had been somewhat sensible or pragmatic in the past (err...well, future that is) but I wasn't entirely sure anymore...I wasn't entirely sure of anything. I had thought that the person I used to be was better than the person I had now become. Although, perhaps I had just been lying to myself...perhaps, all this time I had been painting my past personality and self with a brush of virtue and in pleasing tones and flattering shades. Maybe, I always was like this? Maybe, it just wasn't so noticeable before because I always had fought so hard to maintain control...perhaps, my volatile and difficult nature was obscured before or placated by the comforts and distractions of the 21st century from whence I came?

I had become far more reactionary than I had been before...that much was plain to me. And it was a difficult thing to swallow and admit about myself.

Moreover, another difficult thing to realize was that I had never really been in a real serious relationship before- and that this may have been the beginnings of perhaps my one and only serious relationship of any kind; and it hit me with an almost unbelievably deft precision that my past-future self-had been so disgustingly and almost embarrassingly a total and complete trope and stereotype of textbook millennialism- especially so far as romance was concerned.

(I mean my idea of romance largely had devolved into simplistic single digit movements- swipe left or right and go from there. And, I mean there had been past flings and lovers before- I'm not saying there hasn't been...there was that one time in high school with that one boy whose name I can't even remember anymore, and then in college of course with the girl from my improvisational movement class, where curiosity had somewhat turned into something vaguely serious. But honestly it was never anything long term or concrete. Nothing lasting beyond a few weeks or months and nothing that felt so intense and chaotic...and well terrifying as what was slowly developing between Uhtred and I.)