you kissed me. my mind went into a spiraling motion. we were having an argument before - kinda tricky because you didn't know me like that.
i liked you. your vibes were so strong, i fell in love with it the first time i saw you - back when your hair was long and lady - like.
you went away for a week. that week.
i did my hair and made it blue. just so you would notice. i was hoping you'd come back, wait a few days to text me and ask me to dinner. i was hoping we would go out, and you'd tell me how much fun you had in your trip. said date never came. not even a text back.
weeks later, you text me. you apologize for not reaching out. i said it was okay; because it always is. they all make it seem like it's me who doesn't get it but i do have it clear.
i said
i really wish you hadn't kiss me that day.
when you left
when we left your office i went back to my bus station crying onto the phone. crying because i've never felt that. i've never felt the lips of someone else melt into mine, i've never felt the butterflies on my chest nor the need to keep bringing someone as close as it can get. crying onto the phone because you made me realize something i did not want to accept. i knew it would hurt me. i know it'll kill me. you made something explode in my chest and all my brain was filled with was joy. happiness. freedom. at last.
maybe i was not going to come to terms that i fell in love with you in the most sincere and painful way, if you didn't kiss me that day. if you didn't let me walk with you that day. maybe the realization that you did not feel the same and that you let my hopes and dreams die like leaves falling off on autumn and being stepped on and brushed away and thrown away with the rest of the trash was not going to hit me as hard as it is. maybe, i was not going to be in the exact same situation right now, as i'm remembering you, joy. you bought me joy. to my very dead emotional system; full of repression and lies and constant pretending to love humans i don't really want to be with, you light it up. you put me up, to let me down again. when you said, i wish i hadn't kiss you that day, too.
