thirteen months 》cal

//five//

song / perfect by simple plan ...its ok if u wanna cry bc i kinda did

photo / idk rn

little clearing up: the book started a day or two after thanksgiving and then a month after that meant after christmas so like they talked monday night 29th of dec. she saw the sunset on the 30th, so tonight ((meaning in the book lol)) it's new year's eve - hope this helps xo

en.joy 

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Somewhere new. Somewhere new?

First time, I knew where I'd be headed, which was certainly not a disappointment. But this time my mind would not stop with the never ending tracks, leading on and on about where his little - rather tall more like - smart asś was thinking of.

I wake up to find my parents sprawled lazily in the lounge, tangled in each other's tight hold. No matter the difference between them and I, it never changes the distance they'd go for one another. That being the one and only thing I look up to them for.

They got a week off, both, starting last night since they extra around Christmas time. If I wake them up, I'm bound to throw myself in the looney bin. So. Careful not to awaken them, I get ready and head out the back door.

-

"Where's the lighter?" I question, tugging the fabric of the long sleeve shirt under my coat.

"Right'ere," Rora chimes, holding it out for my reach.

Ashton and Rora saw me out just a little after I had breakfast and invited me to go with them. So. Here I am, at the back of a skate park. Us three losers in the cold enjoying a few smokes.

"I know you two deal, but . . ." I trail off, taking a drag of the cigarette in my hand between my fingers.

They pick up quick. "Eh, we get drunk at parties every so and so. Drugs - pills, injections, marijuana and shít like that, no. But we like to have a couple smokes," Ashton throws the pack in the air and his head back against the graffiti wall, watching it swiftly land in his lap as he's wrapping his arm around Rora's neck, pulling her in for a kiss.

"Kinda . . . hypocritical if you ask me. I mean, you selling all that fućking stuff, but using, you're practically screaming about me thinking that you do."

Rora puts her hands up in defense. "Ay, babe, chill. No need to take it that way. We got our business covered, you needn't worry."

I've been having an off day, or in which one would say that I 'woke up on the wrong side of the bed.'

"Anyways, where's Mike?"

"I don't know. Why don't you ask him?" But I knew Michael's boss is being his usual ass-self and bítching at Michael to work today if he wants to ever see his month's worth.

I let the butt that had just been resting between the pads of my forefinger and thumb fall to the hard rock cement ground and leave it there letting them know I'm getting out.

I thought my pockets would rip at any moment with the amount of pressure I'm putting into them by continuing to shove my hands deeper inside.

It's almost noon and Ele has yet to call. But at the same time, I'm glad she hasn't called. Lately there's been heaps of things cramming my mind and my thoughts besides Calum and his notes.

Today's New Year's Eve already and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Ever since my brother became a no-show in this town, I've been taking these steps with huge risks without worrying about the consequences; living life in the now. Ever since my brother left, everything's been fućked up. Shít, he'd fućking kill me for smoking, for even taking a small drag out of Michael's rolls.

Most of my previous teachers have called me over and over asking about if I've accepted and or filled out any collage applications. Which let me inform you: no, sadly, I have not. I used to do my studies without a problem. Then that's when I realised I did all that and worked hard for my parents' approvel after my brother left. I remember they pressured us about school grades a lot but when I always passed everything with an above average score, I'd be popping with excitement to get home to show them. They'd pat my head or pat me on the back and say 'keep it up' or 'you can do better next time.' Above average, most were above average.

I'm almost eighteen and I don't have my own place. I don't even know how to find one or if I'll ever find one. I've only had a summer job and living with my parents, all the money I save up during the summers is always only enough till summer comes back around.

When I start to think this way, it leads from one thing to another, and then another. So on until I cannot catch my own breath and hold myself stable.

I find an old think tree in the distance. I make my way behind it, where I make sure I'm in veiw to no one. I sit there and I sit there by myself. I don't realise it to a little afterwards that've started to cry.

Thinking about all this opens my eyes and shows me how much of a low-life I am. Literally. How much my life is worth shít. Like, the people I graduated early with, yeah. They're already across the country, some across the world, doing what they know they graduated for. Unlike I, who only did all that to graduate so I wouldn't have to be with those people till June. To get away.

My mum says I run away from everything. My problems, my fears, my (could be) accomplishments - everything. She says I even try to run from time.

So I've come to realise she is right even though I hate to admit it. But the more I seem to run away from time, the faster it catches up with me. And now I can't even keep up. It's like I'm suffocating on the isolated island I've built within myself.

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pls dont hate me :((

this is only the first part ((meaning double update)) this part is a bit more nessecary than u think

i wasnt meaning to write this but it sorta happened bc i had a really sucky day and it helped

aND IM SCREAMING BC CRISS SAID CALUM ISNT THE ONLY THING ON HER MIND BC SOME PEOPLE , I DONT THINK THEY GET THAT

dedicated to @ashtoniwri bc she always makes me laugh

xo - brb , kim