Every word that I said

'Nothing's gonna hurt you baby'

2 years ago

He had picked the kids up, picking up Eve and Ivy, who was on her school induction day and Billie from nursery. Dianne was at some conference and he wanted to spend quality time with the kids. She would be back on the Sunday, he had the weekend with the kids.

Billie had fallen asleep on the journey to the cinema, Joe had smiled at this, gently waking her up as they reached the cineplex, asking the elder two where they were going for dinner. It was Eve who had made the decision, Nandos. Joe thought to himself, where else? Nando's was their favourite. He savoured the moments with them, even stupid things like cutting up Eve and Ivy's food and feeding Billie pieces of food. He knew that there wouldn't be much more of this, he had got his call. He was going back to reality. He needed to go back to reality, he just hoped Dianne would come with him. This was seeming less likely each day that passed.

He could stay, he knew that, but his job was done. The last ten years had been something else, but he needed the money, the benefits it would gain for him and his family. There was no way this could be kept a secret, either way he would lose his family, he just hoped they would understand.

'Daddy.' Eve had dragged him out of his thoughts, 'you look sad.' He was sad, he was so sad he felt like he couldn't breathe, yet he had one last weekend with them before he was due at New Scotland Yard.

'How can I be sad when I'm with my three favourite girls?' The child beams as he reaches out, squeezing the two little hands opposite him. If she were older, he presumes, she would ask why Dianne wasn't one of his favourite girls. He adored Dianne, but his kids were his kids. He was doing this so that, one day, they would understand. He was going to open savings accounts for them so that they would have something, they would gain something out of the situation. 'Remember girls, whatever happens in the future that I love you so, so, so much.'

'More than beer?' Joe laughs a little, usually he would make a dad joke, in this moment, though, it didn't feel right, he was there to make sure they knew that he loved them.

'More than beer. I might be a million miles away but know that I love you more than life itself.'

'I love you too daddy.' Ivy tells him, sincerely.

'Ohh lets go and get popcorn.' Joe starts, looking at his Fitbit. 'if we don't go now, we will miss the start of the movie.' As they walk to the cinema, he wishes he had three hands, so he could hold each of their hands. He settles for carrying Billie, holding Ivy's hand and Eve grabbing onto his arm. He can see a sympathetic glance from the woman behind the till, probably thinking how hard it must be to look after three small children, except it isn't and it's a privilege. He doesn't know the next time he will be able to-do this, if ever?

Both Ivy and Billie are asleep by the time they get home, Joe recruits Eve to carry Billie into the house, whilst Joe carries Ivy, laying her on the sofa whilst he gets the youngest ready for bed.

'Did you enjoy the movie sweetheart?' He dares to ask, when he comes down from putting the other two to bed. She nods enthusiastically, coming to sit next to him on the sofa. 'I'm so glad.'

'Mummy said you're going on a business trip next week?' Joe nods slowly, as she looks at him, almost like she's trying to size up what he is doing. 'Do you have to go?' Joe wonders how his heart hasn't shattered yet. He wished he didn't have to-do this, he couldn't explain why he had to-do this to his child. He just hopes that, one day, she will understand. He hopes that she has fond memories of him, as she grows up. He's hopeful that she will have one memory, at least, even if it is just when she came home and there were kittens. She loved her kitten, fluffy. Ivy had named hers Marmalade and Joe and Dianne had named the third one Villanelle. Amy and Ben had taken the piss out of her for having a kid called Eve and a cat called Villanelle. When Caspar hears about how soft Joes gotten, he'll never live it down.