The Size of our hearts

20

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about my Dad, I had to let him know I was okay but not give up too much information.

I walked over to the door and  whispered Mr. Abdul's name. The door opened immediately. "Yes Neveah, what can I do for you"

"Um I... I really need to speak to my Father, he's probably worried sick, I don't know if you could get me a phone I could use."

"Wa-law, I apologize I meant to say of course" He said, smiling.

"Thankyou, Mr. Abdul"

I sat down on my bed and thought about the day Jafaar drove me home. I was about to dismiss the thought then I remembered Jafaar was looking for something in Hamid's home. I needed to find out what it was but I couldn't get to him because they had locked the basement door. Maybe Hamid knew.

I opened my room door and crept down the hallway, I couldn't find Hamid's room so I put my ear to every door trying to see if I would hear his voice or something, because opening the wrong door could have bad circumstances.

On the seventh door, I was already tired but I put my ear to the door anyway. As soon as I leaned on the door. It opened and I fell on my face. "What are you doing at my door?" I heard a familiar rude voice. I rolled my eyes and stood up. "I didn't know it was your room" I said as I crossed my arms across my chest.

"Really?" Hamid said.

"Yes, really" I quickly replied.

"Then what were you looking for?" He said impatiently.

"Ugh....your room" I said as I looked in any other direction but his.

"Right" He smirked

"Well I'm not here to go back and forth with you Hamid" I said condescendingly.

He put his hands in his pockets and cocked his head to the side.

"Well do you remember the day you came home and you saw me and Jafaar at your house.

"Mhmm" He said as he nodded slowly.

"Jafaar was looking for something, what was he looking for?"

Hamid looked at me and didn't say a word. I could feel my heart beating against my chest.

He rubbed his forehead with his left palm and looked down at me. "He... He was looking for a flashdrive." He  said nonchalantly.

"Containing what?"

"Uh just some embarrassing photos of him as a child"

"Do I look like an idiot Hamid, spit it out"

"My Father has made some illegal transactions in the past, the flash-drive contains the people he has made those transactions with and the countries he has embezzled goods into, when I left, I made a copy with me incase I would need it."

"So why didn't you?"

"If I ever did that, he'd be arrested and I'd be made king and I don't want to be king"

" And if he's arrested, my mom and Jafaar will be free and that rapist will go to jail"

"Rape can be covered, your mom doesn't have proof anyway" He said silently while he fiddled with the doorknob.

I stayed silent as I looked at him, I couldn't fathom words for a minute. Then I cleared my throat. "You.. you knew, didn't you?" I asked.

"Yeah" He said innocently before he noticed the anger in my expression.

"For how long?" I asked as warm tears fought their way through my eyes.

"A while, um a while" He mumbled as he rubbed his neck and loosened the collar of his Kaftan.

"Did you know when you met me." I said as my voice got louder.

He looked at me and didn't say a word but as I found the answer in his eyes he looked for forgiveness in mine.

I scoffed and pushed at him. "Neveah" He said calmly. I pushed at him again. "Neveah" I pushed him harder. "Neveah!"

"I'm done with you, I'm done helping you and I don't need your help" I said while staring at the floor.

"Neveah" He said again as he took a step towards me.

I crossed my arms across my chest and put my left palm to his chest to to stop him from coming any closer to me.

I dropped my arm and rubbed my temples.

"Neveah you need to understand".

"You know what! I thought I really did need to but now I'm starting to realize that you're the one that needs to understand. You are selfish and you put yourself before everyone" I exclaimed angrily as I turned around to face him. "What the hell was I thinking?" I whispered to myself.

"I'm not selfish" He said quietly.

"Yes you are" I nodded as I pushed my braids back.

"No I'm not" He said again quietly

"Jafaar is in jail because of you, your father is roaming free as a criminal because of you, Jafaar's mom is dead because o-."

"That's enough, get out." He yelled as he pushed his lamp of the coffee table.

I stood there, I knew what I said was wrong, I knew that if I apologized he would forgive me, I knew all this but I didn't. He didn't deserve me and I didn't deserve whatever this was or whatever it could've been.

I sucked up my tears and looked at Hamid. He put his arm on the mini wardrobe and looked back at me before looking away.

"Shut the door on your way out" He said quietly even though I could tell he wanted to say something else.

So I did, I shut it so fast I barely heard it bang. Then I walked back to my room and sat on my bed for what seemed like hours before I noticed a small flip up phone on my pillow.

What would I even say to my Dad? I collapsed on my pillow and cried myself to sleep.

How Sad. Hamid was still my last thought.