Just Stay (Phan Fiction)

Dan In Wonderland

Dan's POV

I walked round in the darkness, my feet often stumbling on the rocky path that was my only source of direction. It felt like hours that I was just stumbling along. But then, I saw a light just a little further up and walked towards it curiously. As I got closer, I saw that there was a mirror beneath the light and I stepped warily in front of it. I gasped as I saw my reflection. Tears were streaming down my face heavily and my hair was a mess. I had dug my hands deep into my palm, causing them to bleed slightly, and I was just generally a mess. It made me cry more. Suddenly, a limp pair of arms wrapped around me and I looked up at the mirror to see the beautiful, scarred face of Phil.

I choked on a sob as he held my hand in his, unclenching my fists. "Baby, you're in wonderland, aren't you?" He asked looking around the darkness. I nodded. "You're in real deep. Deeper than before."

"I know." I whispered, turning to face him. "I don't like it here but I don't know how to get out."

"You don't stutter here." He smiled a little.

"No, I don't. I guess that's the only benefit of being here." I said. "And that you're here but this is a first." And then a thought suddenly hit me. "You're here because you're gone, aren't you?"

"No, they're still trying at the hospital and I am going to wake up." He said with a stern look.

"Really?"

"Yes, I'm already alive but I'm still sleeping at the moment." He told me, squeezing my hands tightly.

"But I have to go, I have to be there for you when you wake up!" I announced. I stared around in the darkness. I began to walk, Phil's hand still in mine, walking beside me. I looked up at Phil. And it broke my heart. He wasn't real, just a figment of my imagination. And just as quickly as I had imagined him here, he was gone. And my heart was broken again. Shattered into a million pieces and it was the worst feeling in the world. I stopped walking, what was the point? I was just torturing myself, giving myself a hope that didn't exist. Phil's heart had stopped beating and now mine was broken. I sank to the floor and cried. I didn't stop. I screamed and cried and screwed my hair up in my hands.

I continued this for what felt like hours, never stopping. My eyes never got tired here, my throat never became sore. Because it was all in my head. So when I dug that blade into my skin, my body didn't bleed. It wasn't real, just in my head. It hurt, it stung like a bitch, distracting me from the emotional pain, but it was just in my head. And Phil had never known because although it felt real in my mind, it wasn't. I'm just that messed up. But hey, why fight it? It's not like I know how to get out of here and my heart is too broken to even try.

Phil.

Is.

Gone.

It hurt so much. Eventually I stopped crying and when I did, it hit me even harder. It crashed over me in a wave of pain and guilt. It tore me apart and I just felt so numb, so useless and dead. I felt dead. I wanted to be dead. That's where I was headed. This was killing me. And the only person who could possibly save me was gone. Forever. And I would never be able to save him or myself. I don't care what my imaginary Phil told me, it was just desperation making my mind think of that. Think that he was okay and that I would be as well. I'm not okay. This is destroying me. And I'm taking comfort in my wonderland. Which was not really a place of dreams and wishes but a place of fear and pain. An overwhelming darkness pressed around me. Phil was afraid of the dark. And scary movies.

I thought about out first date. I had been so happy then. It had been years since I had been in wonderland. I had never believed that I would ever come here again. But that night, the night Phil had told me he was leaving, I saw it as a possibility. It may seem stupid or like an overreaction but it was Phil who had saved me all those years ago. I hadn't gone longer than a week since then without him. He had always been the one there for me and thinking of what I might become in those two months before I would see him again scared the shit out of me. But being afraid only threw it into overdrive and my brain slowly sunk into that downward spiral once again. Thinking about no Phil for two months had hurt. But thinking about no Phil for the rest of my life, reduced me to nothing.