crumble | h.s

part twenty six

^play quietly while you read :) 

Harry Styles 

Love was not something that came easily to me, if at all. 

Actually, I've never felt what love was like. I read it in books, watched it in movies...but I've never experienced the actual, true feeling firsthand. I was starting to think it was a myth. My parents didn't love each other, at least that's how it sounded. And they sure as hell did not love me. 

I was a burden from the moment I was born. 

I've never been in love with anything...and it may have had something to do with the fact that I never received it my entire life. 

You see, it's hard to love anything when you've been stripped of all the love inside of you. 

However, I'm not sure if I'd want to be in love. I wouldn't know how. 

I am a broken man. I didn't ask to be this way. I didn't ask to be brought into a world where no one cared. I never had the opportunity to be happy. I still don't. 

My heart and my head are similar. They are both cold and dark places, void of any warmth or light inside. And it's been this way for a long time. I've never known how to convey what I was feeling properly, so I shut down and get angry because I simply didn't know any different. 

So, even if I wanted to love someone, they could never love me back. Who would fall in love with a person like me? 

Who could love a person who wasn't able to express how they felt? Who could love a person who would rather turn his back on the world than open himself up? 

Who could ever love a person that couldn't love them back because he didn't fucking know how to? 

When I look at my future, I don't see myself ever falling in love. And that never used to scare me. I used to be okay with the fact that I just wasn't meant to love. 

Instead, I had come to terms with the fact that I was meant to be the leader of The Kings. I was meant to scare people...not to make them feel safe. 

That's what I used to think. 

But, now...as I look at a pair of blue eyes from across the dining room table,

I don't know what to think. 

She sat on the wooden chair, knees propped up to her chest as she read the book I lent her. She was completely engulfed into the pages, lost in her imagination as the words danced across her eyes. 

It was about 7 in the morning. She had knocked on my door about an hour ago, asking me to come watch the sun rise. 

I did it without hesitation. 

In all of the chaos and disruption in my life, the sunrise was when I could calm down. I could breathe. And now I was sharing it with Lydia. It was something we appreciated, together. 

I watched her as she read. Her fluttery eyelashes shielded her eyes as they looked down at the page. Her plump, pink lips were parted slightly as she let out slow, steady breaths. Her long, blonde hair was pulled into a braid. 

She ran away from me. She ran because she saw me for what I was...

A monster. 

But now, we sat here in a comfortable silence. And as strange as it was...I didn't want it to end. 

I just hoped she felt the same. 

Lydia truly took a toll on me. From the moment I met her, everything changed.