Ten Reasons to Have Hope

You Can Change Somebody's Life

Chapter One

Wednesday, December 24th, 1997

Alan inched over to the edge of the bridge, step by step, and took a deep breath. His legs wobbled as he kept moving towards the edge. Fear cursed through his body as a large lump merged into his throat. He was only 15 and had no family, no friends, and no want to continue living. His heart hammered against his chest and tears fell from his eyes, making ripples in the water as he looked down. He knew that if he jumped, he would surely get swiped under the current and drown. From the research he had done prior to this, drowning was a smooth way to go. He looked over the edge of the bridge and his bones turned to rubber, legs wobbling, struggling to withhold his body weight. He peered at the water below him, swirling and rushing, eager to rip his life away and drag him down to the depths. He thought about how the river would be perfect. He couldn't hold his breath any longer. He had been trying for years to tread the water that his parents kept trying to drown him in.

But that's what he wanted, right? To finally escape the world that he was reluctantly brought into? The decision he had to go to was one of the most difficult he had ever needed to face. Though he wanted to live, there simply was no longer a reason to, and Alan couldn't help that.

It was a cold Christmas Eve night. There was no traffic because everyone else was with their families. But not Alan. It bothered him that he was the only one anywhere near that bridge, so he thought. He was cold and he was hurt. The idea that he was alone bothered him even more. There's a difference in feeling lonely and being alone, and the feeling you get when you experience both is something that could hurt the strongest of people. Eventually he decided that he had to make a decision, one that he never thought he would have to make. He thought back to a day from his childhood, his mother and his father around him. He had a twin brother that he couldn't believe would turn on him like he did.

The image in his head was an image of he and his brother together at the park on a swing. Alan smiled to himself and a few more tears slid down his dirty face, and the vision continued. Andrew was there with him, both of them with the same familiar smile, same clothes, and same love for each other and the world. What a wonderful time it was, when they were little and had a babysitter that wouldn't choose to ignore Alan in favor of his brother.

It was a classic case of child favoritism. His 'brother', Andrew, was the one that came out of his mother first, and so he and their parents pretended that he was older. The issue with Alan, he was told, was that he basically destroyed his mother. She almost died with him the day he and his brother were born. She and her husband were planning on only having one child, which they prepared for. They named Alan last minute, not preparing to have to name a second son. Alan was the only thing that they could think of in a short span of time. They wanted to put Alan up for adoption, but he was told that due to concerns of the family, that was shut down right away. Sometimes Alan wished he was put up, despite his grandparent's wishes. He longed for a family that would treat him like a son, that was all he ever wanted. To be somewhere where the people around him loved him and gave him his basic needs.

Though he and Andrew were opposite, they got along better than he could ever hope for. Even though Andrew got the better, more expensive and higher quality toys, he would always share them with his brother. They shared everything. Secrets, girl troubles, and Alan told him his biggest secret. Andrew encouraged him to tell their parents. When he did, everything that could go wrong went wrong. It has been days since he last saw his brother. He missed him terribly. He was the only one that Alan truly did want to live for. They were twins. They had an unbreakable bond. They still did, until last time they spoke.

Their parents never treated Alan with the same respect they treated Andrew. Andrew was the one that they were proud of, that was destined to go to an ivy league school and marry a lawyer and have two kids and have a great life. He was constantly encouraged with money to improve his grades. When Alan's grades would slip, he would be struck with the anger of a disappointed parent. It was hard for him to keep his grades up when even his teachers doubted him. He was only a sophomore in high school, already fed up with life.

He thought back to when he was younger and first learned about the dark side of the world. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and self-harm in health class. He wondered about what it must take people to get to that point. How hard it must be to lose all hope. He wished he was still in that place, but here he was, in the middle of the night, thinking about how he just couldn't wait to get sucked down to the bottom of the freezing river. It was crazy to him that he was really here, and this wasn't a nightmare he would soon wake up from, where his parents loved him and there was no doubt about that. Yet this was real life, he really was here, struggling to keep his composure.

The snow was crisp on the ground and the air was frigid around him. He gripped down hard. He could feel the cold metallic texture of the fencing of the bridge through his old, beaten gloves. Alan had gotten into a fight with his parents again. They killed his spirit with their words. He couldn't bear to hear them insult him for who he was. They told him to get out of their lives and never come back.

He couldn't control the way he felt. And if his own parents didn't want him, he didn't think anyone would want him. Gay. He was gay and there was nothing that they could say to make him not be gay. This was who he was. Andrew had told them that their parents would bare nothing but support for him. But Andrew was wrong. Alan thought back to all of the moments they shared. Those happy memories turned dark as Alan remembered why he was there. Andrew was all Alan had left, and even he didn't care.

Alan's head was spinning. He gripped down on the metal again and tried to take a deep breath. He broke down into tears, and the more he sobbed, the more the urge to just get it over with started to overcome him. He couldn't take it anymore. He hit the side of the metal rail with his palm and coughed. He started to choke on his tears, the angry screams from his father echoing in his head.

He lifted up his hand and hit himself on the head, trying everything possible to get the words to stop bouncing off of the walls of his mind. Why are were you even born! I should have left you at the hospital to begin with. He coughed again and his head started to spin even more. He lost his balance and gripped down on the metal bars to prepare himself for whatever would come next. He didn't know what that would be, but he was ready.

Because of his father and mother's harsh words, he left. The only one that wished for him to stay was Andrew, but he didn't seem sincere about it and that's what hurt Alan the most. He had become used to his parents ridiculing him to the point of complete numbness. The real reason he was here tonight was that he felt betrayed. His brother, his only friend, the closest thing he ever had to a true one, didn't seem to care that their parents were literally telling Alan to jump. When they asked Andrew what he thought, he just shrugged his shoulders.

So he left, not once turning around to face his no longer home. There was no need to. He could sense it behind him. He had been living on the streets of Chicago with no food, shelter, or anyone to talk to for days now. Tonight, everything was going to change. He was going to get rid of all of the bad things in the world... And every other feeling with it. Alan was a strong believer in Heaven and Hell, and he was almost certain he was headed towards Heaven. He prayed that Hell or Heaven would let him in.

This hadn't been the first time he had a thought like this. He had done it frequently. He had multiple premeditated plans to get something like this over with as quickly as he could. He was done.

There has to be something to look forward to after I'm finally gone, he thought to himself. He peered over the edge of the bridge. One more inch and this will all be over, he thought. Alan breathed out a sigh and felt tears streaming down his face. He lifted his legs over the railing. He thought about stopping himself one more time. What is there to wait for, Alan thought. There's no one that can stop me. I am invincible. He slid himself off the edge of the bridge, letting out a yelp of regret as he plummeted down into the freezing river below.