Pretty Sure I'm Dead

Chapter 8 - THE DOG HEAVEN EXPLANATION

"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in."

- Mark Twain, a Biography

Remember the movie All Dogs Go to Heaven? Or when Pope Francis claimed heaven is open to all God's creatures? My question is why would dogs want to go to people heaven? Streets of gold, people flying around singing hymns – why would that appeal to dogs?

I do believe dog's go to a heaven. I just believe they go to a dog heaven. Dog Heaven would have lots of other dogs to play with, each dog would have a nice house they could inhabit with their masters all of whom would really love dogs. There would be lots of woods to roam in, creeks to drink from, and lots of squirrels and chipmunks to chase.

I'm not sure, but a dog heaven may be a chipmunk hell. Then again, the chipmunks may actually enjoy the chase too. I guess it just depends on how the chipmunks choose to view the experience. The same is probably true for people. Perhaps, the only difference between heaven and hell is in how you choose to perceive things.

My minister told the story of the man who asked St. Peter the difference between Heaven and Hell. St. Peter showed the man a great banquet hall with a table down the center filled with the most wonderful foods imaginable. The man said, "Truly this must be heaven."

St. Peter said, "Look more closely."

The man saw that people sat on either side trying to feed themselves from the sumptuous feast. The problem was that everyone had no elbows and were unable to reach their mouths with their hands. They were throwing food into the air trying to catch it in their mouths. They tried holding the food over their heads and dropping it into their mouths, but everything they tried always failed.

The man said, "So this is hell, then what is heaven like?"

St. Peter said, "Oh, it is exactly the same, but in heaven everyone feeds each other. "

Human heaven depends on how we treat each other. Chipmunk heaven depends on how they view their situation. Dog heaven depends on...well, it's unconditional just like their love. We know all dogs go to heaven.

So, how do you recognize if you are in heaven or hell? In the case of dog heaven, the dead giveaway is the fire hydrants everywhere.

I am pretty sure my dog would want me to be with him in dog heaven. That would certainly be my idea of heaven. My idea of hell right now is trying to figure out when to capitalize Heaven and Hell.

Oddly enough, my description of dog heaven uncannily describes my current abode. My house is just east of the valley aptly named Heavenly. Cue Twilight Zone music again.

I first suspected I was in dog heaven when Max's veterinarian informed me there were no fleas or ticks in the Tahoe region so we didn't have to worry about any of the various preventatives. Really? No ticks or fleas in an area with so many dogs and small wild warm-blooded creatures? Also, there are no rattle snakes, scorpions, black widows or any other venomous creatures. The majority of wild life is in fact squirrels, chipmunks and birds. This seemed clearly too good to be true.

Also, there are fire hydrants everywhere. I was told it was to protect the homes from forest fires, but I suspect otherwise. Only a dog heaven would have so many fire plugs. The clincher was when I discovered a fire hydrant in the middle of the national forest miles from the nearest house or fire truck accessible road. My dog Max went up to it and gave it the canine salute. I had an urge to do the same. There was nobody in sight and I've always wondered what dogs found so appealing in this activity.

Max runs through the woods like a one-year old pup. I've never seen him so happy. When I asked him about it, he just gave me that look of his that says why are humans so obtuse? He indicated I should just look around. There are bitches everywhere and not the bad kind. Everyone loves dogs here. All the stores allow dogs inside, even the art galleries. There are a lot of art galleries. I assume because that is what dogs think their masters would like. Dogs in general find most human activities peculiar. Sporting events, music concerts, art galleries, it is all the same to dogs. The only human activity that makes sense to dogs is eating at restaurants.

All the restaurants here have outdoor seating. They all put out water bowls for the dogs and many include "puppy patties" on their menus. They can even choose between chicken or beef. Max always gets the beef. The waiters at all the restaurants already know his order. Of course, the Starbucks all carry Puppiccinos which are basically a small cup filled with whipped crème just for dogs. And here they are free. Starbucks giving anything away for free really makes me suspect I am no longer in the world I used to know. I know you must think I am making this up, but I have seen it with my own eyes and the only conclusion I can draw is that I am in dog heaven. Ergo I must be dead. QED.