Selah: Pause and Ponder

The Heavy Soul

I know you've also suffered from this. Being overwhelmed by all the things and happenings that the life continuously serving at your plate. As a teacher, as a daughter, as a friend, as a student, as a mother, as a father, as an employee, as a manager, everything is just too much.

It seems like it has been so long since you have taken a break.

How long it is that you even started forgetting yourself. You lost all the love that you have on the things that you do. The excitement is gone as well as the thrill of doing the things you once loved. Life killed your passion. Now, everything becomes a burden. A list of things that you 'need' to do far from the things you 'wanted' to do.

The burden is just overwhelming... and so you did everything just to get back that passion, that fire, that glint, that spark. You started writing again, compose songs, drawing, sketching, travelling, watching movies, and talking to others... But still, the heaviness of your soul can't be lifted off.

I thought once I graduated everything will be okay. My journey will be smooth sailing. I got a job, money, and friends, but it's not enough.

He taught me that.

He taught me that love is more than a feeling, it's a choice, a decision that you need to do. He taught me that I cannot find that love to others nor to the materialistic things that this world can offer.

He is love.

And everyday I choose Him. I choose love even though I'm in the midst of pain. I choose to love getting up early in the morning. I choose to love preparing breakfast. I choose to love commuting everyday. I choose to love my students. I choose to love my co-teachers and colleagues. I choose to love even the smallest detail of my life.

He taught me that I cannot bring back the passion that I once lost. I cannot bring it back to the same way I lost it.

One day, He asked me, if I do not have passion doing these things, can I still love my students? My colleagues?

Passion is temporary, love is not. And I learned that in a hard way. Passion is self-directed and inclined in our feelings. Love is not.

There are many definitions of love, but true love means loving someone despite of his/ her flaws. Seeing someone beyond of what he/ she did in the past. Love is getting up early in the morning even though you are tired. Love is preparing your breakfast, commuting every day even though you just want to stop. Love is respecting others even though they don't reciprocate it. Love is finding the good to others. Love is encouraging your friends even though you, yourself needed to be encouraged. Love is choosing to forgive the people who betrayed you. Love is doing things even though it is painful.

I turn off the music when I began to feel His presence. This time, I didn't cry.

"Selah." I closed my eyes and let Him embrace me.

"Selah, you have been carrying everything. Don't you feel tired?"

I didn't answer Him.

"You have been forgiving others. For the past few years you always choose to be kind. But Selah..."

I didn't open my eyes.

"You came to a point that everything becomes a burden to you.

Life has scarred you. Tainted you. Took away your innocence. Kill your passion. And crushed your whole being. Selah, I am watching you. If you are suffering, I am also suffering."

I didn't say anything. I just stood there and let Him embrace me.

I close my eyes once again when He started caressing my face. "Selah, I am sorry for what they did to you. Thank you for forgiving them."

I bit my lip and open my eyes. I am not crying, but my heart is.

"Are you tired?"

I nodded. He smiled.

"Selah, I can hear your soul crying."

I nodded.

"Let me carry your burden, Selah."

I smiled even though everything is just so painful.

Slowly, I bended my knees and bowed. "Let this heaviness of my heart be a pleasing aroma to You, Lord."

I cannot see His face as He began to stroke the strands of my hair. He didn't say anything. I didn't say anything, but He can hear it. The silent plea of my aching soul.

"Every sacrifice you gave to Me is a pleasing aroma." He then point my heart, "Your heart will always be a pleasing aroma to Me, Selah."

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Note: Photo and art are not mine. Credit to the rightful owner.