Scars to Your Beautiful (the 100 fanfic)

Chapter 29 - Heart to Heart

I told her everything that had happened to me and the more I talked, the more she relaxed. When I was done, my throat was parched and scratchy from speaking for so long. Reaching for my water pouch, I swallowed a few gulps before I offered it to Raven. She drank some and handed it back to me.

I waited for Raven to say something because it was a very rare occurrence when she didn't have something to say, but instead silence seemed to envelop us and the only sounds that reached our ears were the sounds of nature and the group we were following. I didn't mind it and I let my mind wonder as to how the war meeting was going. If the various generals were listening to what Clarke said or if they were tearing into her. Even though my only experience was dealing with Indra and Lexa, both intelligent women and fierce warriors who would take Clarke's words into account with the overall war planning, I wasn't so sure about the other generals. I knew Azgeda would probably argue against anything Clarke said just because they would see her, and by extension, Skaikru, as weak.

I sighed and shifted slightly knowing that Clarke would have an uphill battle convincing everyone attending the meeting that typical approaches wouldn't work. I also knew that Lexa couldn't show Clarke outward support because that would show weakness on her part. It was bad enough that there was no retaliation against the loss of 300 warriors. It was worse that Clarke received no punishment for giving Finn a merciful death. Jus drein jus daun was a long-standing tradition and the fact that Lexa, as Commander, hadn't exacted nearly a strong enough blood price in the eyes of the Coalition has probably made some of the clans begin questioning her.

It wasn't right and it wasn't fair in my mind. Tradition was all well and good, but it shouldn't make you so close minded that you missed a better solution. A solution that had the potential to save more lives than it would take. Lexa knew this. It's why she had been successful in creating the Coalition in the first place. She wanted to end the century of blood that had ran rampant through the clans and for the most part, she had. Skaikru, unfortunately, had thrown a wrench into her hard-fought peace. I just hoped that after this was over, it strengthened the peace and things could get better for Lexa. After everything she'd been through, all that she'd sacrificed, she deserved her own chance of peace and happiness. We all did.

"Can I ask you a question," Raven asked, breaking into my thoughts.

Her tone sounded nervous, making me cautious, "Yeah, but I can't promise that I'll answer or that you'll like what I say."

She nodded, "Fair enough. Did you ever think about escaping? Getting away and coming back to the dropship?"

I was expecting that question and I gave it some thought before I answered, sighing, "Honestly, not really. Maybe a little bit when I was beginning to recover, but the more I thought about it, the less I wanted to go back."

"Why," she asked, turning her head to look at me.

I gave her a wan smile, "Because there was nothing for me there."

"But your people were there."

I sighed, "Rae, they stopped being my people a long time ago. Before we ever came down. The only reason people spoke to me was because I could give them something they wanted. Protection and technical skills. Until the day before yesterday, I thought no one cared that I'd disappeared."

"What do you mean?"

I shifted in the saddle feeling a touch uncomfortable, but answered anyway, "I didn't have a good life growing up on the Ark, Rae. My parents verbally and emotionally abused me. I truly believed them when they said that I was worthless and no one would ever love me. Want to be with me either as a partner or a friend. It's why I kept to myself. Then it got worse."