Reasons - m.c

Chapter 52

"You're the lucky girl that gets to be with that lucky guy."

Shay's P.O.V

I don't know why I said it. I have no idea why I made the comment that Michael influenced his fans back in his dick stage & that's why they were so mean to me. It wasn't the truth, I'm sure the fans were just so protective over the boys & I mean even in other fandoms, the fans just have that jealously factor. It wasn't Michael's fault.

I didn't take it back though. I just had to say it. I was so mad in the moment.

As soon as Michael slammed the sliding door though & he left me, I lost it.

I slid down against the railing & I pulled my knees into my chest, breaking down. & for the first time in months, Michael wasn't there to help me out of this. I was on my own.

I cried for awhile before I heard the door slide back open.

"Shay, it's me." Luke said. "Can I come sit?"

I looked up at him & I nodded before he sat on the ground next to me.

"What happened?"

"I don't know Luke, I don't know." I sniffled & then I brought my head back down into my knees. I was so upset at everything going on.

Luke wrapped his arm around me & he brought me into his chest the same way that Michael usually does.

"It's gonna be okay Shay. Why don't you seep in my room tonight & we can talk in the morning or about everything & we can talk to Michael too."

"Luke, I want to go home."

"Then we'll get you home soon, Shay."

"I want to drink so bad Luke, it's scaring me. Please don't let me."

"I won't. I promise I won't."

"No, I mean it. Luke, don't let me. See, I'm shaking. I want to so bad." I held out my hand that was shaking, not from the tears I just cried but from my craving. 

"I won't leave you alone then, alright? I promise I won't let you out of my sight."

"I just don't know what to do." I sighed.

"Just talk me through whatever you're thinking right now."

"I love Michael, you know I love him. I'm so happy when it's just him & I like laying in bed or on the couch or whatever, like I feel so loved & protected but as soon as we step outside, I'm scared. The fans scare me. I feel so attacked & I kind of feel like I might throw up anytime it gets too chaotic. But that's your reality & I don't know if I can ever get used to that."

"I mean we're not even used to it."

"But you can deal with it. I clearly can't. Have you seen how many times I've broken down since I've been here? What if I'm back in NYC without you guys & I pass a fan on the street, I don't have anyone there to protect me. What if I'm alone & I see something mean on twitter, I don't have anyone to tell me it's okay. I don't know if this long distance thing will work. Like if Michael isn't there to physically calm me down, I'm not okay."

"You know anytime you call him, he'd be there for you. We all would."

"I know but I like need him to physically hold me. I need the contact. A skype or phone call won't be the same as having him hold me & tell me it's going to be okay. I think I've become too dependent on him & I don't know how I'm going to get through life without him next to me."

"It doesn't seem like it now but it'll get better. I mean maybe you can learn to find humor in what the fans say."

"How?"