never began | chanlix

eight.

Felix knew he would need to break up with Chan soon so he could be free from their relationship once he died. 

Felix was going to call him and tell him that long-distance relationships made him anxious and his therapist said that all un-necessary forms of anxiety should be taken away if possible. 

He doesn't want to but if he doesn't he worries that Chan will blame himself. What else could he do?

He has the notes, he has that song, he's spent time with everyone he missed while in Korea. He, without knowing it, made everyone think he got better, but the ugly truth is that no he didn't, he got worse. 

He wore short sleeves and no one ever saw cuts so they assumed that he stopped once and for all, but no, the cuts are now on his thighs. They see him eating but they don't see it come back up right after. 

Chan is sitting in his studio doing his weekly live stream when Felix called. Jisung and Changbin were in the live stream this week as special guests he looked at his phone which was ringing and saw it was Felix. Jisung looked to and motioned for him to leave. 

Jisung made up a reason for Chan leaving and said that Changbin and he would do the live stream until Chan got back. 

"Hello," Chan said into the phone.

"Hi," Felix said holding back sobs.

"What do you need Felix," Chan said almost annoyed. He calls Felix all the time when he's free but he never picks up, but now that Felix is free of coarse Chan isn't. Doesn't Felix watch his lives to know that he's live streaming right now?

"I-i-i-i I wanted to tell you that our long-distance relationship is making me extremely nervous and you know anxious and I was talking to my doctors and they said that forms of anxiety show be taken away because it's preventing me from getting better you know and so my sister thought that our relationship should come to a uhm pause until we can see each other more regularly, you know like in person,"Felix said tears streaking down his face.  

"You mean you want to break up," Chan said slightly mad through the phone. Chan was mad that the younger didn't even try with the relationship enough to see if it would work, it was only him putting in the work for the relationship. He was also sad, that the younger thought their relationship was a form of unnecessary anxiety. 

"No, I want a break until, I don't know, until I can maybe find a job and start surviving on my own and maybe move to Korea in the future," Felix said making up a story of what he wanted to happen. 

"No, No I totally get it, you don't have any responsibilities. You don't take care of yourself, you thrive off of other people's sympathy and it fuels you. You're probably happy you didn't make it into the group. You know Lix I loved you and now you're throwing that love out the window and it's just blown away in the wind, but I get it things over there are so much more important than our relationship and friendship," Chan said now crying before hanging up.

Felix tried to call him again but it kept going straight to voicemail. Felix slid down his bedroom door sobbing, choking, drowning in his own tears.

He stood up and grabbed his laptop before sending the files of music to Chan and the typed out letter that would get to Chan too late.

He had sent a letter in the mail to Chan. It was his suicide note. It would arrive tomorrow while they were at practice. The news would travel and he would find out while they practiced and he would eventually blaim himself for criticizing the younger boy. 

Felix ran in the room light. He ran and ran past all of his childhood places liked the park and the school. He ran through the park gates and ran to the bridge. No one was in the park at least that's what Felix thought. 

A mom and daughter were walking talking about the baby on the way when they saw the bay run past them. They would have thought nothing about it if the boy hadn't been crying.

He ran to a bridge and slipped his shoes off and set his phone on top of them, unlocked. He stood on the edge and the moonlit up his whole face. His tears sparkled as they ran down his face. His hair was whipped around by the wind. 

The earth seemed to call him in. He wanted to step over, he wanted to be swept away by the rushing water.

He stept off just as the two ladies came running. The one on the phone with 911 trying to get someone there to rescue the boy.

It seemed like ages for Felix but it wasn't it was only a few seconds. His life flashed before his eyes. His days as a kid playing with Daniel and Jin. His few months in Korea with his new friends and a new boyfriend. Then the awful day when his dreams were crushed by a man who shared the same name as one of his idols. 

He hit the freezing cold water and it swept him under and he breathed in a big breath of water as he panicked at the cold water. His lungs burned as they filled with water and he felt himself start to sink lower and lower. Eyes closing as the red and blue lights split through the water.

"GET HIM OUT, "Someone yelled as they pulled the boy in. They wrapped him in towels before they started CPR. He didn't respond and they got him in the ambulance. 

"HE DOESN'T HAVE A PULSE," Another person yelled as they kept going at it with the CPR. Nothing happened and his heart would not start again. 

Perhaps was it the freezing cold water or was it the fact that all emotion and will to live had been swept away months ago. 

"Time and date of death October 3, 2019, 10:09 P.M., "someone said as they knew he wouldn't come back.

His mother was called as she was at a book club meeting and his sister next who was studying for a test the next day. They both dropped everything and rushed to the hospital. 

"No, no, no, no, no," his mother kept repeating over and over again as she sped to the hospital. The traffic stopped her and she hit her steering wheel and scream at the cars in front of her. 

Traffic moved and she got to the hospital after her daughter. The doctor came to them and told them that they couldn't bring him back. They went to a room where his body laid lifeless and cold and they cried into each other's arms as their precious Lix was cold and lifeless in front of them. 

"Why my baby," she cried out. Everyone close to Felix was called and notified about the events and the death. 

Chan never got the call because he blocked the whole family not wanting to talk to Felix because he was mad about the younger wanting to break up. He never looked at his email after the V-Live. 

He didn't check in the morning he didn't check at lunch. The whole group went back to practice when the CEO walked into the room.

"Felix died last night," Jinyoung said to the 8 boys.

"What? How? "Jeongin asked. 

"He drowned to death after jumping from a bridge," Jinyoung said. Everyone was crying he left them to mourn the loss of their friend. 

"He committed suicide because of me," Chan said to himself. 

Because of me, because of what I said. I'm the reason he's gone.