for you

Part 49

The days of that month passed by as tiring as any of my busy months should be. I went for practise everyday after school and arrived back home right before midnight.

For some reason I felt super demotivated this month. The thought of giving up appeared every free time I had and it made me loose focus in everything. I couldn't do my dance properly, I can't think straight whenever I'm in class and it's driving me fucking insane. 

I already had a talk with my manager about it and instead of comforting me about it she scolded me thinking it would be a motivational move for me to get back on track. It just made me more stressed out. 

I had lost my appetite, which I assumed was a good thing because then I wouldn't have the urge to pig out emotionally this month. But I can't help but sometimes ponder if it's a good thing or bad thing. 

As if things couldn't get any better, my hair has been shedding a lot and my skin is breaking out a lot probably due to the amount of stress I'm going through although I've been following my skin and hair routine accordingly. 

And yet all this is happening I'm still trying my best not to cry. Because I knew that if I do it would only add more pain than I already have, as if that's even possible. 

I lifted my leg up high and due to the imbalance I fell backwards. I heard a heavy sigh coming from behind me. 

"Ruby.. what is going on with you? This is the tenth time you fell today!  Is this the impression you want to put on others? That you're failing? That you didn't work hard for this competition because you think you're good enough??" she yells. 

"No.." I mumbled. 

"Then what? Are you trying to embarrass me? Let me ask you, am I a bad coach, Ruby? Am I too soft on you? Am I not doing this right??" 

"No, y-you're not a bad coach. It's just me.." 

"If you know that it's you then why aren't you doing anything?!" I flinched at her screaming. 

"Remember, you are just the same as everyone else means that you have to do this properly no matter how famous you are! You think too highly of yourself" she mumbles the last words. "Do it again and if you fall again this time we're ending class early today." 

I nod and got back up. From the mirror reflection, I could see how Lucas felt terribly pity for me. I sighed and as the music started I began to dance the moves I had memorised. But just like last time, I stumbled on my toes which messed up all the moves. 

My coach aggressively stopped the music. "This is stressing me out" she mutters and stomps to her office. 

I buried my face in my hands. 

"Hey, everything's gonna be okay" says Lucas as he rubs my back. 

"Doesn't seem like it" I replied. 

"We all have our hard times and this is one of it. You'll get through it" he smiles and hugs me. 

"I'm such a disappointment."

"No you're not, she's the one being a moody bitch today. Maybe her ending practise early today is a good thing. Go home, get some rest okay?" I nodded and packed my bag. 

"See you tomorrow!" he waves at me. 

"See you!" I smiled back and headed back home.

When I entered my apartment it was as if my legs gave up on me and I fell on my knees. 

Fuck, get it together Ruby. Competition is in two weeks and you still haven't gotten your shit together. What the fuck is wrong with you.

My breathing started getting heavier and faster. My heart beat risen and I started seeing stars. I clutched my head as sweats start to trickle down my forehead. 

"Fuck" I mumbled. "W-What's g-going on.." 

Then, I heard a knock on the door.