Don't Wake Me Up - Shawn Mendes

PART TWENTY NINE

 This morning, I wake up before Shawn and I get up immediately. I know I have to stay busy, otherwise I'll drive myself crazy with these thoughts. I put on music in my headphones and start a quick banana pancake batter. I figure I should make it a double, because I know Shawn will wake up to the smell of it and want some as well.

Just as I'm spreading a bit of almond butter on my pancakes, my dreamy boyfriend, in nothing but his Calvin's, walks up to me. He hasn't wiped the sleep from his eyes just yet and his hair is a tousled mess of curls. I wish I could just appreciate the picture, but I can't help but imagine him, waking up like this in a Swedish hotel room and kissing her with those lips as she ties a plush robe around her body.

"Hello?" I hear Shawn say as he waves a hand in front of my face, "Earth to Alice!"

I come back to reality and take off my headphones.

"That smells good!" he continues, "is there some for me?"

"Yeah, the batter is on the counter and the burner might still be hot," I say, monotonously. "Oh and you might wanna get dressed before dealing with hot pans and stuff, you clumsy boy."

He silently makes his way to the bedroom to change. He looks at me on his way back and doesn't say anything, but I have a feeling he knows something is wrong. He makes himself a stack of pancakes that resembles the leaning tower of Pisa, and joins me at the table. I'm eating, imagining what Shawn would say to the gorgeous Swede to make sure she kept her mouth shut, when Shawn says:

"Hey Alice, do you remember about a week ago, when we had that talk about opening up?"

I nod.

"What's up?" he asks.

"What do you mean?" I feign not knowing what he's referring to.

"Well, you seem preoccupied. Since last night, I'd say. Did something happen at my parents'?"

"No..." I say as he shoots me a look, not believing a word I'm saying.

He opened all the doors for me, made it so easy to speak about what's on my mind, yet I decide to stay silent. I'm just scared of what I'm gonna end up saying.

"Well," I finally say, "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about you going on tour. For so long. Without me."

"Aw, baby, are you gonna miss me?" he says smugly, but he sees the serious look on my face. "Wait, you're really worried? About what?"

"Well Shawn, walk in my shoes, a bit. I'm stuck here, far away from you, missing you, and you're over there!"

He opens his mouth to speak, but I don't let him. I know what he's gonna say.

"And I know! You'll be missing me too. But if you miss me too much, you can literally throw a rock — or a guitar pick! And hit twenty thousand girls who would give their right arm to comfort you, to give you all the attention and affection that I can't from here. And that is very hard for me to process.

I know I'm independent, and I joked about the mumbling, but that's one thing. We can text and Facetime all we want, it's still not like being with each other. And you're gonna be surrounded by a team of people who love you and think you're incredible, and again, by the beautiful girls! The beautiful exotic girls, the girls with the cute accents asking you all these questions. It's easy to get lost in that, and it's hard for me to imagine I'm not gonna be there. Or that you won't fall for some perfect blue eyes."

I see on Shawn's face that my words hurt him. But I couldn't keep it for myself anymore. And he asked!

"But Alice, don't you trust me?" he asks, almost insulted. "Are you saying you think that I'm the kind of guy who would just... fuck up the wonderful thing I have here with you for a few moments with some beautiful stranger?"

"No! You're not. And I know you can't possibly sit in front of me right now and imagine yourself cheating, but I'm saying it's so easy to give in to a moment of weakness, especially in your situation, where there's so many people to tempt you.

And frankly, if you were ever to call me and tell me something happened — you were a little out of it or for whatever reason! I don't think I could handle it. In fact, I'm fairly sure it would destroy me, Shawn-"

"But I won't! I wouldn't!" he says over me.

"And I don't want to find out," I finish my sentence.

"And you won't! Alice, you have nothing to be worried about, you know me, you trust me. You know I love you. You know I'm not like that," he says in a rushed tone, trying to urge me to believe him.

"I know you're not like that, Shawn. But we've never done long distance. Have you? While on tour? Away from a relationship that's so new? It's been what... Two months since we started dating. It's so soon..." I say, barely holding back tears.

"Don't you think we're solid?" he asks, his voice pleading me to confirm it.

I stay silent.

"What are you saying, Alice?"

"I don't know," I hesitate, "I don't wanna say it."

"Well, you're thinking it."

I sigh. No one says a word. I can see the disappointment turn to anger on Shawn's face. He gets up and grabs his jacket with his wallet and keys from the counter, I hear something shatter, and Shawn storms out. I don't even think he put on his shoes, he just grabbed them on his way out the door.

I stand there, tears silently rolling down my cheeks. I go and get dressed in my own clothes, throw the t-shirt in the hamper and gather my things from the rest of the apartment. The shattering noise was a potted cactus that Shawn knocked over when grabbing his coat, so I clean up and try to save it in a small dish. I leave it on the counter with a post-it on which I drew a heart.

I lock up behind me, and slip my key under the door. Immediately after hearing it slide on the other side, I regret doing it. That key was my way back... I take a deep breath and understand why I did it. It's for the best. A clean break.