Don't Wake Me Up - Shawn Mendes

PART THIRTY

 I leave the building, I'm walking, tears are streaming down my face and I don't know where I'm going but I'm almost running now. After a while, I realize I'm in front of Xavier's building, so I call him to know if he's home. Since it's still only Sunday morning, he is. He can hear in my voice that something is wrong, so he immediately comes and gets me at the door.

"Oh my God, Alice, what happened?" he says as he hugs me.

We're standing in the door frame, half inside-half outside. He must be freezing, he's not even wearing shoes. I get in so we start walking towards his apartment, and I explain:

"I just... I think I just broke up with Shawn."

"You what? What happened? Last I heard you were meeting his family, and didn't you say it went well?" he asks, trying to understand where I'm coming from.

I wish I could tell him, but where do I begin?

"It did. But they mentioned tour, and of course I knew it was coming, I knew he was touring. But it hit me. That we'd be apart for so long, and he'd have all these beautiful girls throwing themselves at him, and I didn't want to spend two months worried about him cheating, on top of missing him like crazy!" I blurt out, hoping that explanation is enough.

"Wait, are we talking about the same person? Alice, I don't think I've met a straight boy as loving and caring as Shawn. What made you think he'd ever cheat?" Xavier asks in honest confusion.

"Nothing! I don't have a logical explanation for it! And that's what kills me. But I couldn't stop picturing it, and I was torturing myself with it. And that's when he was cuddled against me! Can you imagine if he had been on a different continent? It's just easier this way."

"Okay. If you say so. I got you, always. Get comfy, I can make us some tea and we can watch Les Mis. Does that sound good?"

"Perfect." I reply. "Wait! I just dropped by, unannounced... Am I keeping you from something?"

"Oh, I was gonna meet Scott and some of his uni friends for brunch, but don't worry. You need me, and I love Les Mis," he says reassuringly.

Now that's a best friend.

We're on our second brew of peppermint tea, and just when the Thénardiers first get introduced, Xavier pauses the movie.

"Alice, I was thinking of something. I think it's a quote you once told me. Something about being happy now or later? I think it was British?"

"Uhm, I love this quote from an episode of Doctor Who, 'What's the point in them being happy now if they're going to be sad later. The answer is, of course, because they're going to be sad later.' Is that the one?" I ask, unsure as to why he would think of that now.

"Oh so you do remember it," he says smugly.

"I do... And?"

"Well, isn't that what you should do? With Shawn, I mean. Be happy now, even though you might be sad later?" he says, while looking at me.

I can feel the tears forming in the corner of my eyes, and I know there's nothing I can do to stop them, or to stop Xavier seeing them as well.

"Oh honey, no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... I just- I saw how happy he made you. And I know how long you've waited to find that person. So it breaks my heart to see you like this. You deserve the world, I always say this," he says as he pulls me in a hug.

"Thank you babe," I say, my face still buried in his shoulder, "it's just so hard for me to explain, but I couldn't stop these thoughts. I couldn't rationalize them. There were taking me over, and they would have for the two months until I could see him. I would've flinched at every text message, expecting him to tell me something happened. And if something did happen, it would've crushed me. Destroyed me. I don't think I could've come back from that. Now, he's free to do as he pleases. And if we're meant to be, we will be. If he wants, we can pick it up where we left off after his tour. We'll have more time to be a real, solid couple."

I try to sound as poised as possible, hiding how much I'm really hurting.

"You mean after his tour in like, 5 months? How long are world tours?" Xav asks.

"I don't- Can we stop, I'm sorry. I just want to get my mind off of him right now. Thank you."

We remain cuddled into each other and keep watching Les Misérables. I don't even make it to the end; I tell Xavier I should go home. I haven't showered and I just wanna get out of this dress. I hug him goodbye and make my way to my own place. I start walking when my heart jumps. My phone is quacking, and Shawn's face illuminates the screen. I don't think I can deal with this right now, so I send him to voice mail. *Hi, it's Alice, smile and speak at the beep!*

I get home and immediately undress and get in the shower. I don't know what it is about showers; is it the privacy, the small closed space, the warm water? It's the perfect place to feel all your emotions and let go of everything. I let the tears flow freely, and I let my body shake in sobs. After a few minutes of it, I'm all cried out, and the exhaustion takes over. I quickly lather my body and hop out, and make my way to my bed. I lie there, naked under the covers, with wet hair, and doze off.

I'm woken up only 20 minutes later by another call from Shawn. This time, I pick it up to make the quacking stop.

"Hello," I say faintly.

"Hi Alice," I hear Shawn speak in the same tone as mine, "I'm sorry to call, I probably shouldn't, but can you come over?"

"Shawn... I don't think it's the best idea right now."

"I know. It's just, Aaliyah texted me. She said she loved you and I should wife you. And I can't believe you're not here right now." His voice breaks. "I need you here. Please."

Isn't it ironic how we can only be comforted by the person who hurt us? I could also use some comfort. I'm not strong enough to resist.

"Okay."