It Takes a Wolf

Chapter 36: Unrequited Loneliness

A month and two weeks have passed with no word from Fenris. Ever since the dreadful day Ellen had heard the news of him leaving from Dorian she had become a wreck. The loneliness and betrayal she felt lured a sickening déjà vu to nest into her mind. It was as if she had spiraled all the way back to the very beginning, to the dark place she had once lived before Fenris had entered her life. She refused to leave her room for the first two weeks, only leaving to the tavern for a drink when Cullen threatened to start using her room as his new office to watch over her.

With each rise and fall of the sun everyone went about their business as usual, but for Ellen time had begun to meld together. Though she tried, she hardly slept. Any sleep that did bless her tired body never lasted long until she was jolted awake in a panic only to be reminded of the painful reality she now lived. She hardly ate, anytime she tried her nerves would refuse it, forcing any nutrition to be gained to come back up. All she could manage to do was cry or lash out in anger, which she did often.

She barged into the war room on more than one occasion, ordering Cullen, Tomlen, or Dorian for answers, but she was always met with the same repressive looks and a verbal pat on the head. 'Don't worry Ellie everything will be okay, we promise.' After several moments of giving them severe tongue lashings and empty threats to throw them in a cell until they gave up what they knew she would storm back to her room. She felt lost, helpless, hopeless. She couldn't understand why, why did he leave? Why did he not trust her enough to tell her where he was going or what he was doing? What was so important that he had to leave her for so long? These questions had plagued her in a constant loop everyday and this day was no different.

Ellen was in her quarters, lying awake in her bed from another sleepless night as she clutched to one of Fenris's tunics. She held it over her nose, breathing in his scent as more tears stung her tired eyes. Though her body pleaded for just an ounce of sleep she began to cherish her moments just before dawn. It was when she could sense him through their bond the most. She could often feel his longing and sorrow. She felt it was his way of communicating with her, telling her he was sorry for leaving and that he would be back at her side soon.

She closed her eyes lightly as a weak smile crept across her lips. To feel him once again gave her such peace, however something she has come to learn is all good things come to an end. As she felt their connection begin to dim she clung desperately to his tunic, pulling it hard against her chest. "Don't go, please." She whispered. When the sense of him faded away completely she buried her face into his tunic and began to sob. She didn't know how much more of this she could take when a familiar warmth laid down beside her, wrapping her up in a tight hug.

"My dearest Ellie, please don't cry. If you cry then I might shed a tear and Bull will never let me live it down." Dorian sighed.

She turned around, burying her face in his chest. "I'm sorry Dorian, I just don't know what to do. I haven't felt this lost since..."

"I know." He whispered.

"But this, this is far worse. It's like I'm incomplete, a part of me is missing, the part that held everything good in my life...it's gone." She muttered before breaking out into sobs.

He tightened his embrace. "Shhh, he is not gone Ellie, he will be back. Just look at it this way, he is on vacation, taking a break from..." He stopped, quickly realizing that scenario was not coming out as good as it sounded in his head when he decided to change course. "Forget that part. You're just going to have to trust him, as we all have. You know him more than anyone, you know he loves you more than anything in this entire world. Let that be enough."

"Why? Why should I trust him if he wasn't willing to trust me enough to tell me anything?" She said through stutter breaths.

"Because, he thought if you knew you wouldn't let him go through with it, and I being your best and beloved friend and knowing you just as well as he does, I would have thought similarly." He said.