A Darker Truth

Chapter 7

You know, I've been listening to this guy. This guy.. He makes music to help people like me. Shit to make me feel less shitty about my shit storm of a life. I'm grateful for him. His music is just
So relatable
And calming
And makes me feel like I'm not that alone anymore
From times ranging 1 to 15 minutes I can finally feel like my life isn't such a fucking shit show.

Hobo Johnson
Yak might've heard of him before.
Amazing man.

One song
One song I listen to a whole lot
Creve Coeur 1
The lyrics
I feel like I understand

"I asked her what's wrong
And she just nods her head
I ask her what's wrong
And she says
She says
He was the picture perfect person loved my mother oh so dearly, you could feel the love reverberate wherever in our building. If it felt the same today I wish I'd know. Sometimes you drive a car and lose control. And so goes
Hold me closely. I don't think you should love me. I always feel so lonely knowing nothing lasts forever sorry.. "

I remember the time when my dad was nice
Just once though
He played minecraft with us back in like
2011 or something like that.
I've just
Been clinging to that memory.

"He's such a bummy, crusty, cruddy father fucking every girl he takes to coffee. He lied to mom in holy matrimony. Hold me closely, I don't think you should love me, I always feel so lonely-"

I wonder what happened to him.
What made him click and snap?
My mom says he's always been this way, and I don't like it.
I miss him
I miss my good dad that I never had
He's like a shadow at this point with this fucking monster in view.

I remember
I remember being locked up
I remember
Screaming
Yelling
Fighting
Name calling
Starving
Stealing

This one time when I was like
10 or something
Me and one of my brothers
We were hungry
So
Fucking hungry
And we went into a gas station with 2$ to get drinks that would last us two days if we tried hard enough
He stole a candy bar
I cant remember what time
But he stole a candy bar
And that was our meal for the day.

He got banned though
So that was fun

I also remember the party's that dad hosted at our house
The beer pong
Jell-O shots
So on

I helped with al of it.
I was a fucking god at beer pong and those times of games
We were taught at a young age how to play drinking games
Started off with water from the tap that tasted like iron and salt
Fucking disgusting.
But we were taught how to play
And boy oh boy did I play
Sometimes if a person was extremely drunk we would ask them for money
They'd throw tens or twenty's at us and tell us to fuck off
That's one way to get grocery money.

My thoughts have gotten a lot worse lately
And
I don't know what to do.
I think about just ending it all all the damn time and every time I bring up "I wish he would just care" to my moms she breaks down and it breaks my heart
He's ruined us.
He's fucking ruined us.
I'm just some fucking
Teenager with so many fucking problems
And the only person that would actually care is her

I wish she didn't care so much so I could just fucking
Pull a fucking trigger and not feel guilty
Down a bottle of pills and go take a nap
Go take a bath with the damn toaster or curling iron
Play on a fucking swing set with my neck and the ceiling
Etc, etc.

I'm just
So tired of living man

I wish my father cared
I wish my mother didn't
I wish things would get better
I wish everything would end

When will this fucking stop? When will I get my fucking ending?
I'm done
I'm so fucking done