alive | ethma

16.

emma chamberlain

I had just come down from my high, and Ethan was already gathering his clothes on the floor and putting them on.

"Does this mean you want me to leave," I laughed, the thought seemed so absurd.

He stayed silent.

And it hit me that he really did want me to leave.

"Wait, Ethan," my voice begging him to stop what he was doing and climb back in bed.

"We can't do this," he murmurs, shaking his head, the disappointment clear as day.

And when I tell you the pain in his voice almost sent sent me to my knees.

"Why?" I ask. I could even hear the heartbreak in my words.

He doesn't respond.

"Why?!" I ask a little louder, every inch of my body needing him back in my arms, safe and sound.

"You can't do this," I grasped onto his arm, afraid to let go. I began begging him, hoping to change his mind.

I didn't even recognize my desperate voice anymore.

"Emma, we just can't," he sighs, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands.

"Why are you doing this to me? Is this because of Connor because Ethan he kissed me."

I took his silence as a hint.

He stands there and waits for me to grab my stuff, so I do, knowing in this moment I can't change his mind.

Ethan starts leading me towards the front door. As he walks, he wipes his nose with his sleeve.

"Please don't let me leave," I say softly, my voice on the edge of cracking. My last attempt.

I watch his steps falter, but he catches himself quickly.

The next few moments are painfully silent. I can practically hear the voices in his head tell him what a bad idea it is to let me stay, and he opens the door.

No words were spoken as I walk through the door, the tears I've been holding in slide down my face. I didn't dare look back.

I stepped out into the cold air, wishing I was still tangled up in Ethan's sheets.

—

As the days passed on, I've never felt so unlike myself.

I was going through the motions.

No excitement, no love, no anticipation for what life would bring me next.

School, work, eat, sleep, repeat had been my routine this past week.

I was now at the library, checking people out books.

Linda narrowed her eyes at me, like she was wondering the reason for the drag in my step.

"Emma, dear," she gently called me over to her with a wave of her hand.

"You seem off today, honey," Linda looked at me with sincerity.

That was all it took for my body to combust into tears.

Linda carefully pulled me into her, placing my head on her shoulder and caressing it, holding me with care.

"I don't know, and I'm scared." I admitted, not only to her but to myself. "Nobody's ever had this much control over me."

I could feel her pained smile.

"Love does that to people," her soft voice spoke with wisdom.

I pulled away slightly and looked up at her.

"How did you know?"

"Oh please, Emma, I'm old not blind. I see that boy coming in here and the two of you smiling like fools," Linda teased me.

I could feel my face start to flush. I had no clue she knew about Ethan.

"I've never felt like this before," I gazed at the floor.

Linda sighed. "This is one lesson I never wanted to teach you about,"

She paused.

"I know you see life as this extravagant playground sweetie, but people can still get hurt on playgrounds."

I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion, not following her analogy.

"What I'm trying to say is, some people only come into your life to serve as an example of what you should avoid in the future."

I started to shake my head vigorously.

"No, Ethan is an example of what I want in my life forever." I said firmly, like it was the only thing I was sure about anymore.

Linda proceeded to give me a soft smile, as if she had once experienced the pain I was currently in.

"Don't you dare change, my love," Linda gently caressed my face while using her thumb to wipe away my tears.

Too late, I thought. I'm not sure I know who I am anymore.