Struggling Through New Beginnings

Chapter 18

Draco forced himself to straighten and breathe as he stared after the departing redhead.

How could I have done that? What was I…was I thinking? Oh, Merlin, will he tell Potter?Hermi…her? What a laugh they’ll all have as they talk about how far the mighty have fallen. Merlin, Pansy would just love this, if I told her! And, where did that come from anyway? How the hell could I want Hermi…her all of a sudden? I can’t. I don’t. I wouldn’t want her for all the…shit. But, I do. Damn! Now what? She wouldn’t even consider spitting on me if I was on fire, so the entire thing is moot isn’t it? Besides, what am I thinking?! I have to marry Pansy. Even if Hermione would think about…after all I’ve done to her…But, what if…

“Draco?” Pansy’s voice finally broke through his thoughts.

“Malfoy, snap out of it!” Millicent snapped. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

When he didn’t answer, but continued to stare at them, Pansy stepped closer and put her hand tentatively on his arm, “What did Ro…um…Weasley say to you?”

Draco expelled a breath and looked down into Pansy’s worried upturned face. It briefly flitted across his mind that something was very wrong when he felt absolutely nothing when standing next to his fiancée, but could barely think when across the room from a woman he, only a few months ago, wanted eradicated from the planet.

“It was nothing,” he said finally. Then he stepped back and reached for his bag, “I’m going down to drop these off before class.”

Pansy nodded, but said, “But, you seemed…”

He cut her off, “I’m fine, Pansy. Nothing you need concern yourself with. Did you need something when you came over here?”

Pansy pursed her lips at his refusal to talk to her when he was so obviously upset, but she didn’t feel it was her place to push him. She almost laughed at the absurdity of that thought. She didn’t feel close enough to her own fiancé to push him to talk to her about his feelings. She stuck with shaking her head and looking away from him. But, Millicent wasn’t so stymied.

“Oi, Malfoy. It can’t be nothing. You looked ready to vomit on your own robes. What did that wanker say to you?”

Draco noticed Pansy stiffen, but hold her tongue, at the slur on Weasley and shook his head. “Seriously, Millie, it was nothing out of the norm. Now, if you ladies will excuse me.”

Before either could answer he turned and quickly left the hall. He knew his actions bordered on the rude, especially since he was at least mentally thinking about cheating on Pansy, but he needed to get away from everyone, her especially.

He was so lost in his own personal turmoil that he didn’t notice as his feet carried him to the dungeons and the Slytherin dorms entrance. The pointy-faced, goateed wizard on the portrait stared haughtily at him as he awaited the password, but Draco didn’t even see him. He was too entranced by his own confused thoughts and feelings.

“It is easier to enter when one actually utters the password aloud, Mr. Malfoy,” a deep, husky voice intoned.