Struggling Through New Beginnings

Chapter 43

chapter 43

But, how can I just let things be? Pansy asked
seriously.

Tonks shrugged, Pansy, you just do. You sit back
and enjoy this time together. You talk to one another and you set your own
pace. You don't dwell in the past anymore and you try not to worry about a
future you have little control over. You live in the now and have fun with him.

While many of their Monday Mental Health sessions
had been about the war and their lingering feelings about it, and they'd
covered, at least in part, the things they were supposed to, they both
acknowledged that speaking about other things most often seemed more pressing
and rewarding. They were closing in on a friendship that for each of them was
unlike all the others they had and they enjoyed it immensely. Their talks
allowed each of them an ear and a shoulder when needed, that wasn't attached to
a close friend or a complete stranger. Tonks found herself opening up about
things that she and Remus fought about or troubles she had as a new mother,
because she finally had someone to listen to her. Most of her friends and
acquaintances were much older or somewhat younger and they shared their
friendship with her husband. For Pansy their relationship had developed into
one much like she imagined having an older sister would be. She could, and had,
told Tonks things she couldn't imagine telling anyone else. She reveled in
having someone to tell her inner most thoughts and secrets to who didn't judge,
placate, or jump all over her for having them.

I'm just so afraid of screwing this up, Tonks,
Pansy sighed heavily. He's so good. And, I am, I was..

We've been through this before, Tonks reminded
her gently. You may not have been the nicest person in
the past, and you made some mistakes in judgment, but the simple fact that you
wanted to change, means you weren't as bad as you think you were.

I get that now, I think. But, what if he, I mean
I, I.. Pansy whispered.

When Pansy didn't elaborate Tonks moved from her
own chair to sit next to Pansy's and took her hand, We've talked about just
about everything very openly haven't we?

She continued when Pansy nodded, You can tell me
anything.

I know, it's just, Pansy trailed off once again.

"Is this about sex? "Tonks asked.

She had been eighteen not too long ago and remembered
how many things in the world had revolved around romance and sexuality at that
age. Tonks had noticed the way Ron and Pansy interacted, and she knew Ron came
from a rather prolific family. It wasn't a long shot to guess that sex would be
on their minds.

"Kind of," Pansy hedged, but she didn't turn away.

"Is he pressuring you?" Tonks asked softly, even
though in her head she was already planning ways to hex the redhead without
getting caught.

"No! It's not like that," Pansy rushed to tell her.
Then she laughed, "It'll probably be the other way around soon, though."

"It's like that is it? "Tonks laughed in relief.
When Pansy blushed and nodded she asked, "So, then? What's the problem?"

'He's going to find out I'm a.."

"A?"

"Virgin," Pansy said as if it were the worst thing
on the planet.

Tonks laughed lightly, "Regardless of all the
rumors around this place, Pansy, I think you will find that most of the girls
here are."

"But, I'm not supposed to be!" Pansy cried as she
stood up and began pacing. "Everyone thinks Draco and I, but we never, there was
just too much going on. I really didn't like him like that anyway, so it just
wasn't, but we were promised to one another, so I guess I should have. We
fooled around a bit sometimes, but then he really didn't seem to want to, with
me, I mean, not really. Plus, he was so busy trying to do all he had to do back
then. But, we never told anyone we didn't and we kind of let people think it. I
mean, what was the point of saying we hadn't? We were a couple in everyone's
eyes, so it wasn't like it would have been wrong, but""