War of Change | Book 3

1: Understanding

I'm trying something different. There's going to be slight third person POV's in here but I'm going to attempt to make the transition very smooth between them.

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Art: Ocean Spirit by Nymre

Zuko betrayed me.

The Earth Kingdom had fallen.

I was bloodbending, not just one person but a whole army.

I threatened to kill Iroh, I nearly killed Zuko.

I had become something... something that was not me... something inhuman.

All of these memories, most of them out-of-body, surged through my mind as I attempted to meditate. I wanted answers. I wasn't sure how I would get them, but this was the only thing I could think of. At the very least, I finally understood that water encasing feeling that happened every other time I meditated. It reflected what happened when I became water or, as Iroh put it, my spirit. How it worked, I still wasn't sure.

I wished I could ask Iroh. He seemed to know more than he'd previously let on. I had been so enthralled in Zuko and telling him the truth of my dreams that I hadn't even bothered to go to Iroh. What did he know, and was he even alive anymore to tell me? I couldn't imagine Azula being merciful to a traitor.

I wanted to think that Zuko wouldn't allow any harm to come to the man, but I didn't know what to believe anymore. Once upon a time, I also believed he wouldn't allow any harm to come to me. I was even beginning to believe that he wouldn't harm my loved ones. I was wrong.

I had not yet cried. I wanted to. I wanted to so badly that my head ached, and my throat was constantly tight.

The minute I had woken up on Appa's saddle and realized everything that had happened was real, I had nearly broken down. My instinct to not let a tear slip in front of my siblings was stronger than my heartbreak.

Nonetheless, I could always feel it bubbling under the surface. That urge to break down with my full body, to let my tears run free, to open my mouth and let whatever sound come out, whether it was a scream or a whimper. I wanted to beg for help, to beg for my mom. Isn't that where so many people go when their heart is broken, to their mother?

I couldn't stop thinking about her. I wanted to curl up in her lap. I tried to remember her voice and that soothing hum she always did, but it was too long ago. I did have a memory to cling onto, though, even if it was muted. I was very young. I'd gotten stuck in the snow too long and was nearly hypothermic. My mother had held me that whole night, rocking me and humming. It was the only memory I had growing up of feeling truly warm.

I never realized before how much I preferred the warmth. Not until it had been taken away. First, my mother and now Zuko. No matter what I did, I couldn't stay warm.

"Kida."

My eyes slid open, finding the row of candles sitting on the table in front of me. I already knew who the speaker was. His voice had deepened with age but I could still recognize it. The day I couldn't recognize Bane would be the day that I was truly lost.

I didn't look at him. I didn't want to, not right now. "The only reason you should be interrupting me is if you have news about the Avatar."

The person disregarded the tension in my voice, taking a step farther into the room. "Everyone is worried about you," he said. "You should come out and eat something."