Poetry is like numbers

My future self

I look out the window and there I see him, my younger self
I stare at him and wonder where all the time went
Where all the meaning and all the love went
Because now I look in the mirror and I don't see anything
my older self playing a game of hide and seek that's been going on for a little too long
Why does the one person that used to make me so happy make me so sad, makes me feel like I'm not loved
I walk down the road of memory lane and as the sky darkens it starts to rain
I see all my childhood  memories floating down the city drains
My younger self so cheery, so happy and loving
And my older self now not even existent
I've been waiting on the other side of the seesaw for my older self to come and play
But now I'm not even sure I know his name because it definitely doesn't feel the same as mine
The sun starts to rise and now it's time for school, the one place where I can be cool right?
I couldn't have been more wrong
The first thing I look for is the playground, the non existent playground that reminded me of myself waiting on that seesaw for the long periods of time I did when I was younger
All these people laugh and converse
While I sit in the back and think for better or worse my older self doesn't like it here
I'm surrounded by people who say I'm their friend but they're feelings move so quick they barely recognize me
They talk to each other all the time and I just want to be apart of the conversation but it never happens
Nothing I try works
So I sit there in the silence of them all
that seesaw sounds much more comfortable
When you have someone to play with
All this time I've asked myself same questions and still don't have an answer
I thought I grew up cold hearted but was diagnosed with depression
And I feel like I'm the cause of it all
Maybe that's the reason my dad was gone so long
Maybe that's the reason he tries so hard now
Maybe that's the reason I'm 16 and don't answer his calls
Maybe that's the reason I'm 16 years old and I'm still waiting for my older self to sit on the other side of the seesaw
I'm not an Artist of any kind but like Alessia Cara said "now I could wish I could freeze the time at 17"