crimson tears ➣ pjm

➣ un

it's a sad thing...to know you've become everything you've always hated. 

i just saw my friend taken in an ambulance a few days ago and my best friend, who never cries in front of anyone, break down in front of me because of it. i felt nothing. 

a voice inside my head told me i should feel something. that voice kept telling me to cry for her, to feel her pain, but still, i remained numb. 

it's sad to be so used to feeling pain, you don't even recognize how it truly feels anymore. 

i meet people and they either leave or i leave them. friends and girlfriends come and go. even my family has abandoned meᅳwhat was left of it, at least. i never met my father and my mom left me when i was only two. i lived with my aunts until they decided they didn't want me anymore. i had to fend for myself at the young age of twelve. 

selling my body to old men so i could live under a roof and not starve to death. it was like that until i turned eighteen, ran away from the fifth man i sold myself to. 

i found a normal 9-5 job at a call center and a small studio to live in. now i'm twenty.

and i've grown cold.

i used to feel things for people that others wouldn't. i used to feel others' pain as if they were my own. i could easily cry for someone else. i would just as easily sacrifice my own happiness for theirs. but i've become like everything and everyone else i've always hated.

i don't do anything for others anymore. i leave as soon as i get hurt. i distance myself from people. i don't let anyone get too close. i act like i don't feel pain when people abandon me. i act like i don't even care about anything at all...as if i could die at any moment and i won't give a flying fuck about it. 

maybe i really won't.

maybe that's what i'm actually waiting for.

this society has this fucked up way of thinking that if someone doesn't feel anything when they go through tough shit, they're strong. if you don't cry, you're strong. if you don't feel lonely, you're strong. if you don't feel human emotions, you're strong and everyone fucking admires you.

maybe that's why all these strangers want to be friends with me. maybe that's why my exes keep coming back. maybe that's why when i go through something, no one ever checks up on me. because i don't show i'm in pain. and even when i do show it, everyone else just assumes i can handle it on my own. and it's true. i can. i always have.

but isn't it sad to be all by yourself all the damn time?

isn't it sad the version of me that everyone likes isn't the real me?

i want to be loved. i want to be known. i want to be understood. 

but the last time i was loved and known, i wasn't understood. 

the first and last time i ever fell in love, it fucked me up.

and the friends that i've had in all twenty years of my life just left. even my family who raised me in the beginning threw me away like i was nothing but trash. my mom left 'cause she considered me a mistake.

i mean, she was right. 

my father raped her after all.

i was made out of unforgivable sin, an inhumane act, a traumatizing experience for someone who was only sixteen back then or for anyone at all. 

i wake up some days and feel the same as her. i wish i hadn't been born. i wish she didn't have to go through that. 

but i can't do anything about it. i just live and i breathe and i wait for the day everything turns to grey. 

because i'm too much of a fucking coward to end it myself.