crimson tears ➣ pjm

➣ sept

i keep people at a distance. it's so much better this way.

i'm not talking about jessica or any of my exes. they don't matter to me. only one of them i still genuinely care about. but that's not the point.

i'm talking about everyone else.
a few "friends" and new people who want to date me.

i recently lost my best friend from the tragic incident wherein our other mutual friend got taken to the hospital. after that night, neither of them have tried to contact me at all.

it wasn't my fault. the two of them never told me they were depressed or that one of them was actually actively suicidal. they didn't tell me they had been taking hard drugs the entire summer as well. they've hidden all these things from me and decided one day, it would be a great idea to come drinking with an alcoholic like me.

the suicidal one overdosed. i never peer-pressured him into drinking that much. my best friend did. i thought he could handle his liquor, so i didn't say anything against my best friend's encouragement.

now neither of them talk to me and i'm not sure if it's because they blame me for whatever reason or if it's due to embarrassment.

it's not my fault they turned our simple reunion into a suicide attempt. all i wanted was to have a good time with two people i haven't seen in a long time. not to mention, i haven't seen or heard from the suicidal one for an entire year before that night.

i'm also not an expert at seeing the signs of depression either even though i have it. it's especially harder to see those signs from someone who parties too much and pretends they can drink more than an alcoholic can.

i have no one close to me anymore. there used to be my best friend. he and i rarely talked or even hung out but at least, i always felt like someone had my back. i always felt like i still had something pure. a true friendship that might last for several years and maybe even 'til our death.

that seems impossible now.

i think that was the last straw. losing him. losing that one good thing left in my life.

i think i've completely lost my faith in everything. i've come to accept that everyone leaves and every single thing shatters.

i'll die alone. and nothing i do really matters. because just like me, everyone else dies.

i don't even want to get married anymore. if i do in the future, i'd most likely just get divorced. i'd either get tired of my wife or she'd get tired of me. it's nothing new. it happens everywhere all the time.

wow. maybe i drank too much. i should put this bottle down.

i don't know what i'm doing.

actually, i never know what i'm doing. just like i never know what anyone's true intentions are. everyone is a mystery. i don't even know my damn self.

that's part of the many reasons i don't want to jump into a new relationship. humans are complex. being emotionally intimate with someone is exhausting.

you never know when things are going to turn into shit. you have to consider your significant other's feelings all the time. you have to fulfill their needs and they have to fulfill yours or else shit gets boring and you break up or you fight about it and you break up. cheating could even happen.

you have to communicate. you have to compromise.

and honestly, being lonely sounds so much better to me than any of that.

all my effort that's put into a relationship? it will all go to waste when it doesn't work out. i could damn well use all that time and energy into keeping myself alive and trying to make myself not want to die.

love has never done anything to me but make me want to take my own life anyway.