my depression comes in waves. most of the time i feel numb. maybe because of the pills or because i've accepted a long time ago that nothing i do really matters. sometimes though, i feel everything to the extreme. and i think it happens when i drink too much. i mean, i drink everyday and i have high tolerance, but i still have my limit. and sometimes, i pass that limit. and what makes it even worse is when i don't have work.
without my work, i basically have nothing to do but fuck random girls and drink. but even sex gets boring when you do it too often.
she was the only one it never got boring with.
today is one of those days when i'm really fucked in the head. i can't think straight. i had an uber take me home and i immediately crashed onto my bed. i couldn't fall asleep so i've been stuck in here doing nothing but stare at the ceiling and think about how much i hate my life. i don't even know what's wrong.
i mean, yes. my mother is a bitch. my father is someone i want to murder. all my other relatives suck and i hate them. my body was used by pedophiles a few years back. my friends are all gone. my work sucks. the love of my life left me not too long ago.
but none of that really matters to me, right? i mean, i go about my life every single day and never let any of that shit get to me, right?
so why is it that when i'm in this state, i feel like all of those things matter so much? they don't. they really don't. i've accepted a long time ago that i don't need anybody. i've gone through so much without anyone by my side.
why the fuck do i need to feel lonely? i want to be numb. i want to stay numb. i want to feel nothing. i want to stop everything.
fuck.
i'm going to vomit.
i sprinted to my bathroom and put up the toilet seat so i could let it all out. i wish i could puke all my feelings away. goddamn it. it hurts. i want someone to pat my back, tell me it's going to be okay. i want someone to get me water and tell me it's fine to feel feelings.
but no one's here.
and i'm crying.
why the fuck am i crying?
YOU ARE READING
crimson tears ➣ pjm
Fanfiction❝ in a world where nothing we do truly matters because our lives are all insignificant and everyone is born only to die, i drown myself in alcohol and pills to stay alive. sometimes, i even try to fall in love so i could make up some sort of meaning...
