crimson tears ➣ pjm

➣ deux

another night at pandora's bar by myself. 

this is where i met most of my friends and most of my ex-girlfriends. i probably should start going to a different bar so i don't get hit on by the same people again and again, but i've gotten used to this place and it's not so far a walk from my studio.

there she is, elita. i dated her for a week and it's been about eight months since then. she hangs around here sometimes, not every night like i do. she texted me a few days ago, begging me to get back with her. i told her i knew what she was after. that's all she really wanted from me back when we were still together. she just loved sleeping with me. she didn't love me. and once she found another body she was eager to explore, she left. why would i let her do that to me again? 

besides, i don't feel the same for her anymore as i did back then. i can't believe i cried three nights for a slut like her. 

i'm a little tipsy, not drunk at all, even though i drank way more than i usually do. some might say i have high alcohol tolerance, but i'm just an alcoholic. you do too much of one thing, you get used to it. 

it's the same with having meaningless sex almost every night.

or even having a meaningful romance with someone "special" every few months. you make so many people your "soulmate", and eventually, you lose faith in finding the real one. 

but even with so many committed relationships i've had in just a few years, i think i've only ever been truly in love with one person. she was the last one who ever made me feel anything real. and she was also the last girl i've ever let hurt me.

some nights, i still lie awake thinking of her. some days when i come home from a stressful day at work and i get drunk all by myself, i drunk dial her. she never answers. and it doesn't hurt any less each passing day.

maybe i'm not that heartless yet. i still feel pain when it comes to her.

but everything and everyone else seems mundane to me. 

i'm scared i'll never feel that kind of love again. i'm scared because maybe she was my actual person and i lost her to my fucking depression. 

fuck everyone who tells me she isn't because she left me in my time of need. they don't understand anything. 

she could've been the one for all we know and i just truly fucked it up and now i'm never getting a chance to fix it.

i chug a bottle of vodka like i often do to feel the burning pain down my throat. i do this every time i feel like shouting her name. i do this to remind myself of that night i begged for her not to leave. my own screams, i still hear them. it's only been a month since we separated after all. 

a month. how did i get by? how am i still alive? 

oh, right. i'm scared to die. 

sometimes, i fantasize about her stabbing me in the heart quite literally. if that happens, then two of my three wishes could finally come true. i want the pain to end. and i also want her to look at me again. 

but i don't want her to go to prison. 

if anything, what i really want the most is for her to love me again. 

if she ever really did love me at all back then. 

my thoughts get more and more pathetic the more i chug this bottle.

and my vision gets darker and darker until i can't see anything...anymore.