For Our Eyes Only

Chapter 15

As if I didn't already hate packing enough.
It was hard, but I managed to get most of her stuff packed before I had a complete mental breakdown.
I flipped furniture.
I threw picture frames.
The bookshelf in the room was completely wiped off after I knocked it over.
I may or may not have punched a hole in the wall.
My entire arm hurt, but feeling the pain was better than blocking it out like I had been doing.
I eventually just sat down on the bed and cried.
I'm not one to cry over anything really, but how was I supposed to hold myself together at a time like this?
She was gone.
I was moving back to Santa Barbara without her.
I just couldn't do it anymore.
Most problems are fixable or temporary. Death never is.
I had a flashback to last year when I managed to move on without anyone's help.
And so, I accept that this is my fatal flaw. I just can't quite... engage all the way when I really need to, when it really matters, you know, when the chips are down... I'm sorry that I can't do goodbyes... I just suck at the real stuff.
Flashbacks just rushed through my mind. They wouldn't stop.
Excuse me, you're in my seat...
No.
What I'm saying is that I think maybe the best things... the richest things... aren't supposed to come easily, and that sometimes the moments that make the most sense happen when everything else doesn't, and, well, I think you deserve more than popcorn tonight...
Stop.
Since I met you, I've been thinking about getting a car...
I can't do it.
All I know is that I don't want to miss out on the prize...
I can't do it.
We're gonna do whatever it takes...
Stop. Stop. Stop.
Home should be wherever you are, and the dogs that we're going to get relatively soon. So wherever you and the fleet of pugs are, that's where I want to be...
It wouldn't stop. The memories were just swirling around in my head like a tornado.
Oh, just marry me so that I can show you how amazing our lives will be together...
And then there was silence.
My head wasn't exactly clear, but the flashbacks had stopped, leaving me breathless and shaking.
I covered my face with my hands, breathing heavily, trying to calm down.
When I got the strength to stand back up, I called Gus.
It went to voicemail, but I left a message.
"Gus? Uhh, I need you man. Just..." I sniffled. "Just get down here when you get this, okay?"
It took about forty five minutes for the shaking to stop. It took another ten for Gus to arrive at my house.
He knocked and let himself in, finding me on the couch in the living room.
"Hey man, you okay?"
I sniffled again. "I don't know."
"Do you want me to help you with anything?"
I thought about it. "Actually, yeah. Put on some of The Smiths, I have to finish packing up Jules' stuff."
"Consider it done."
Gus and I spent the next hour cleaning up and packing Jules' side of the room. He was really nice about the whole thing, not questioning why the room was trashed or why I was such a wreck. He knew the answer to both.
We didn't know what to do with her clothes and such, so we just shoved them in a box that I planned on hiding in the back of a closet in my future apartment in Santa Barbara.
We had just gotten together all of her jewelry when it was time to focus on furniture. I gingerly lifted up the bookshelf that I had pushed over earlier.
I moved on to her night stand.
I started to clean out the drawers, which were mostly filled with extra books, two or three guns, and some papers.
Oh my god.
The drawer.
I had thought about what seemed like every drawer in Santa Barbara.
Why didn't I think of the drawer that was 3 feet away from me the whole time?
I was definitely not in the right mindset.
So of course, as anyone would, I practically tore the drawer from the nightstand and rummaged through its contents.
A few bills.
Some receipts.
That's when I found a notebook.
It was a blue notebook, with gold flowers on the front. I would have thought it was a diary if I hadn't opened it so fast.
On the top of the first page was a title.
"Wedding Vows (For Later)".
I braced myself and started reading.
I take you as you are, loving who you are now and who you are yet to become. I promise to listen to all of your rants about Twin Peaks, to learn from you, no matter how much movie trivia is involved, to support you through your crazy ideas and accept your support for mine. I will celebrate your triumphs, whether it's winning the lottery or just managing to eat the last slice of the pizza even though you're already stuffed from eating all the other slices. I will mourn your losses as though they were my own, because I was emotionally attached to Marty McFly as well and I know how hard it was for you to accept the end of the Back to the Future movies. I will love you and have faith in your love for me, through all our years and all that life may bring us.
I love you unconditionally and without hesitation. I vow to love you as much as you love your hair, trust you like you trust Val Kilmer, and respect you with the respect you've always shown me. As a family, we will create a home filled with learning, laughter, compassion and dogs (rescues, of course). Today, I choose you to be my husband; my silly, caring, hilarious, loving, goofy husband. I accept you as you are, no matter how silly, and I offer myself in return, no matter how straightforward.
Today, I promise you this: I will laugh with you (and maybe at you) in times of joy, and comfort you in times of sorrow. I will share in your dreams and support you as you strive to achieve your goals, like finally getting to drive that wiener mobile.
Shawn, you are my best friend. I promise to laugh with you (and again, probably at you), cry with you, and grow with you. I will forever love you when we are together and when we are apart. I promise to support your dreams and to respect our differences, and to love you and be by your side.
I, Juliet, take you, Shawn, to be my husband. I promise to always be your biggest fan and your literal partner in crime. What may come, I will always be there, believing that love never dies.
I choose you. To stand by your side and sleep in your arms. I am proud to be your wife and to join my life with yours. I vow to support you, push you, inspire you, and above all, love you, for better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, as long as we both shall live.
I love you so much, Mr. Shawn Spencer.
Big fat kisses.
Right back at you, Jules.
Right back at you.