Mat Barzal Imagines

Rip Off the Band Aid

Warnings: Swearing/language, angst/heartbreak, aggressiveness

Word Count: 1.4k

"Baby, please stop, we can work this out!" Mat pleaded as you unlocked the door to your shared apartment and slammed it closed before he could catch up.

You ran straight for the bedroom closet and pulled out your suitcase. You set it down on the bed and opened it, then raced over to the drawers and began pulling out the essentials. Mat had to go downstairs to get the superintendent's copy of your key because he left his on the table before going out to dinner earlier, so you had to hurry before he came back. You wanted as clean of a break as possible.

Unfortunately, you heard Mat outside screaming, "Hurry!" presumably at the super before the key turned in the lock.

"(Y/N)! Where are you, baby?" Mat called out.

You ran to the bedroom door and pulled it closed, locking it just in time. You jumped back when he began to pound his fists on the door.

"(Y/N), please let me in! We need to talk about this like rational adults!"

You couldn't help but scoff. He was preaching to you about acting like a "rational adult" while he was busy throwing the temper tantrum of the century.

He knocked again, five loud raps on the door before he said, "Come on, (Y/N), please, just open the door so we can talk."

You chose to ignore him and resumed packing, knowing that you would never actually have a rational discussion while he was in this state. He needed to calm down, and responding to him would just drive him up the wall even further.

Finally, you heard Mat let out an exasperated sigh and a noise that sounded like him sliding down the wall. You sighed, relieved that he was sitting in front of the door and calming down, but you decided to wait a few more minutes before coming out. You needed to think about how you were going to end your relationship with him.

You had been dating for a little over a year now, but things hadn't felt right for the past month or so. It was February, so Mat was getting busier with the playoff push beginning in earnest while your workload continued to intensify due to your economics thesis. Graduation was in May, and hell, you weren't even sure if you would be in New York in the fall. You were applying for jobs here, but you were also considering positions in Washington, D.C. A long-distance relationship was not going to work, and even if you didn't move, you were ready to start a new chapter in your life.

Maybe your relationship was doomed for the start. You had always been independent, never needing romantic relationships to sustain you. Even when you were a teenager, you predicted that you weren't going to get married before you turned thirty. At twenty-two, you still hadn't changed your mind—your life was only just getting started as far as you were concerned. Mat, on the other hand, made it no secret that he wanted to settle down within the next few years and start a family. You loved kids, but you wanted to have a stable career before starting a family.

The truth was, you and Mat were in different places in your lives, and the sooner you acknowledged it, the better it was going to be for both of you.

You zipped up your suitcase and lifted it off the bed, setting it down on the floor. Then, you grabbed your purse and rolled your suitcase towards the door. You hesitated before unlocking the door. You didn't want to break Mat's heart; he was the first man you had ever loved. But you took a deep breath, unlocked the door, and pushed it open.

The door only opened a few inches because Mat was slumped against it. When he felt the pressure of the door on his back, he jumped up. When you saw his face, your heart plummeted. He looked like a mess. His eyes were red and puffy, and his hair was all over the place.

"Oh, thank God, I thought you were going to shut me out all...wait, why do you have your suitcase?" He pointed at your hand clutching the suitcase handle.

"I don't think I can do this anymore, Mat. I know I told you it was enough, but it's not."

"What do you mean?" Mat said, panic rising in his voice.

You debated telling a lie, but you went with the truth. "We're in different places right now, babe. You're ready to settle down, but I'm not. I'm going to graduate from college in a few months and I want to live my life to the fullest. You need someone who is going to be there for you all the time. I'm not the one for you."

"Don't say that, baby," Mat's voice cracked and so did your heart. "You're the only one for me. We don't have to settle down now; I'm fine with not getting married for a while. Look at Marty and Sydney. They dated for what, seven years before getting married? But their relationship survived."

"We're not like Marty and Syd, though," you said, shaking your head sadly, "We're Mat and (Y/N), and our situation is very different. Syd always had a clear sense of self, but I need to do a little more soul-searching."

"You need to find yourself? I'm not stopping you. I never have and never will; you know that. So why do you need to leave me?"

"Because it's easier that way, Mat," you replied. "You might not even like the person I become."

"That's impossible, (Y/N)," Mat said, "Do you want to know why?" You just stood there, motionless. "Because I'm so goddamn in love with you, and I can't see myself with anyone else. You're it for me, (Y/N)."

You were floored. What the fuck were you supposed to say to that?

Once again, the truth came flying out of your mouth: "I don't think anyone's ever said that to me before."

"Please stay with me, (Y/N)," Mat pleaded with you, "Don't leave me. At least don't leave tonight. Sleep on it, and if you feel the same way in the morning, I'll understand. I'll even sleep out on the couch. Please just don't leave."

You had never seen Mat look so desperate before, and you knew that if you stayed in the apartment any longer, you would never have the guts to leave.

So you steeled yourself and said: "Have you read Looking for Alaska?"

Mat looked perplexed. "What?"

"I said, have you ever read Looking for Alaska? It's a book by John Green. You know, he's the guy who wrote The Fault in Our Stars..."

"I know who he is, but I didn't read that book. What does it have to do with this conversation, anyway?"

"There's a really great quote from that book. I mean, there are so many good ones, but this one is definitely the best: 'At some point, you just pull off the band aid, and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved.' That's how I feel right now. I've got to be strong enough for both of us and rip off the band aid."

Mat let out a laugh, but it didn't have any humor in it. "Should I even be surprised that you're using a quote from a book to break up with me?"

You cringed. "I'm sorry, I really am, but I have to do this. It's not fair to either of us to continue."

You moved to walk past him, and he stepped out of the way as you wheeled your suitcase to the door. Before you could put your hand on the doorknob though, Mat said:

"Just tell me one thing before you go. Did you ever love me?"

God, you felt like a terrible person. You opened the door without turning around, but as you stepped through the threshold, you told the truth once more: "I still do."

The door clicked shut as you walked down the hall.