Kismet's Perfect Fiasco

Episode 64

Hue

Walking back and forth, I can't think clearly. Mag-iisang oras na akong naglalakad dito sa living area ng bahay namin. I am fighting with my own thoughts. Paniguradong kanina pa naghihintay si Novy sa akin sa hospital.

I close my eyes as I uncomfortably sit on the couch. I run my finger on my lips, trying to figure out everything. But I ended up with my memory of Novy that night. Crying and hysterically begging for me to go back to the Philippines.

That time, I know that she lose it. She fucking lose all of her hopes for us. I know it, alam ko na 'yon kahit hindi niya pa sabihin.

These past few days, she is so distant from me. 'Yung sobrang lapit niya sa akin pero sobrang layo naman ng puso niya para maabot ko. She has this unreachable facade that prevents anyone to break in. It's as if we are all blocked to enter her ruined heart. Well, except my Mum. Siya lang ang kinakausap niya sa nagdaang mga araw.

Masakit.

Sobra.

Pero ang mas masakit, wala akong magawa.

Paano ko siya mahihigit pabalik sa akin kung siya na mismo ang lumalayo?

Hindi na niya ako matignan nang diretso sa aking mga mata. It's borderline breaking me apart. Sa bawat oras na kasama ko siya, ramdam kong wala na. Ramdam kong malapit nang matapos ang kami. Ramdam kong bibitaw na siya.

Sumuko na ba talaga siya sa akin?

Sa amin?

Sa future namin?

Sino bang niloloko ko? Malamang oo. I am not that dumb to not realize it.

I am only good at bringing chaos on her, after all. I am never her paradise. I will always be her war zone. I am way far from her safe zone and I should know that by now. Whenever she's with me, palagi lang siyang masasaktan. Wala akong magandang maidudulot sa kanya.

If I were her, iiwan ko din talaga ang kagaya ko.

With the bile raising on my throat, I am decided.

This is the best option for her, again.

I will elude myself from her, one last time.

This time, I will make sure that she will continue her first plans for her future without me, completely.

Harrie the lame shit is way better than I am for her. Alam kong babalik sa kanya si Novy. That dork will probably accept her again. If that time comes, I'll be the happiest person. Kasi sa wakas, natauhan na rin ang babaeng mahal na mahal ko.

Harrie loves her enough to make the best out of her, which was opposite of what I did. I only brought the worst in Novy and I should fucking wake up now. I am no good for her. I will always be the glitch of her life. I should fucking come to my senses and get it now.

I walk to our room. I sit to our bed. One last time, as I tore my plane ticket apart, I reminisce all of the great things we shared to this room. The laughs while I tickle her in every parts of her body, the fights which are always ending up with sex, the cries which are mostly, I mean, all of it came from her because of some shitty tragic movies she fond of watching. All of it. I will leave all of our memories here and I won't bring one. I know she will, too. She's done with me and I know, it will be easy for her.