The Journey Home

Chapter 13 A Woman's Resolve

It had grown very late. The house had been lively with company downstairs for several hours but Margaret kept to her room. Lilly had brought Maria Louise to her to say good night, and the child looked distressed at the idea that Tía had taken to bed. Tía's face was pale and her her eyes were swollen. Perhaps she was sick, like Mama was sick? When she was tucked safely into her own bed, Maria Louise began to pray to the Blessed Mary, and asked her to watch over her beloved Tía tonight. "Por favor Dios ayudar a mi Tía. Beata María cuida de ella esta noche ."

As the clock struck two, Margaret got up from her bed, still fully clothed and went to her dressing table. She sat in front of the mirror and gazed at her reflection. She moved her lamp closer to examine the woman that looked back at her. She was not an old woman but she recognized that her youth was gone. She had smooth lines at the sides of her mouth and creases near her eyes when she smiled. As happened to her father, her dark shiny hair was occasionally interrupted by one dull, wiry gray hair. She vainly tugged them out when she found them. She let her fingers travel lightly over her face and pull her long cascade of curls over one shoulder.

How different her life would have been if she waited just one day to leave England! She would have been Mrs John Thornton of Marlborough Mills, and with God's blessing, a mother of her own children.
Her home would be her own.
She would have her own things - silly things, that would need to be dusted.
She would have friends of her own.
She would have John Thornton by her side to love her as she loved him.

She mourned the loss of this time, her youth, that could have been something more than what it was. She was blessed to spend time with her brother for those years, but it was also a hiding place for her, where she avoided her mistakes and convinced herself that she was not worthy of love. The truth of what John Thornton's letter revealed shocked her at first, and then caused her regret and sadness.

So many things that could have been, she thought wearily. She was so tired but she pulled herself up from the bench and began to move slowly about the dark room.

She went to the dresser, retrieved a nightgown and began to change from her restrictive attire. As the crinoline and petticoats came off, she felt somehow lighter. She ripped at the stays of her corset, freeing herself so that she breathed easier. She returned to the dressing table and stood in front of the mirror seeing her own form beneath the translucent chemise. Her hand went to her throat and she slowly drew it downward, lightly touching her own breasts through the thin material. She still felt as youthful as the girl that went to Milton over 10 years ago. Her body had changed, loosing some roundness about her face, hands and hips, but she was still firm, her breasts were supple. As she thought of John, her nipples grew hard and her feminine core ached. She circled her fingers around one nipple and then the other, driven by the need to be with him and explore this most glorious and frightening sensation.

John Thornton loved her! She went to the bed and lay herself across it to retrieve the letter from the night table. In the predawn darkness she remembered the words he had written:

I think of you, alone in this world and my heart calls out to you to bring you back. If your words in your letter mean what I believe them to mean, please come back to me, Margaret. I will wait for you in Milton, because your home is there. Your generosity inspires me to rebuild as you would see our venture rebuilt. We will come out stronger because now I have a purpose beyond my own. I have yours.

Her fingers lightly touched her lips and she smiled. Margaret Hale was 29 years old and as a single woman, she had seen more of the world than most of her contemporaries. She was independently secure in her wealth, and did not need to be beholden to the generosity of others. If his love could transcend time as hers had, Oh, that dark, beautiful passionate man would still love her! He had made good on his promise to rebuild Marlborough Mills and provide for its people. Nicholas Higgins had told her as much over the years in his letters. Food for the workers, reduced work hour for the children, a rudimentary clinic to assess the workers ' health and the school.

Then why was she still here, under the control of her Aunt and her cousin? The coddling and the easy avoidance of difficult conversations were an all to familiar place for her and she had grown frustrated with her own complacency. Margaret had avoided the inevitable long enough. She had been frightened of seeing John Thornton upon her return to Milton. Now she would embrace it, as there was still a chance that he was waiting for her.

Margaret had packed her possessions by the time the first of the servants was awake. She instructed a footman to go to the station and purchase two one way tickets north, to Milton, for the next morning. Hours before the Lennoxs had awoken, she took her breakfast with Maria Louise in the nursery. She spoke to Lilly about packing the child's things and was surprised by the older woman's request to join them on their trip. Margaret hugged her and laughed with some relief. It would be a fine thing to have Lilly with them on their next adventure.

Margaret then readied herself to visit Henry Lennox at his chambers to make the final arrangements for her departure.

She would deal with Aunt Shaw and Edith later.