The Journey Home

Chapter 25 A Fog Sets In

It was past two o'clock in the morning when John looked up from his note taking.  He told himself that he wanted to be well prepared for the discussion he would have with the man who controlled the purse strings for all of Britain, when in actuality, he needed no notes to argue his case.  He was simply avoiding the all consuming thoughts that swirled around him.  He allowed himself to  indulge in thoughts of her,and  he felt light headed, as though he could be transported to a place where none of his worries existed. Gone were the struggles of Milton, his mother's illness and pain, the finances of the mill.   Margaret's eyes, so darkly blue they often appeared black, would gaze at him, reflecting the passion that he felt for her.  He recalled every soft curve of her face, the arch of her brows, the redness of her lips and the smile that only slightly revealed her straight white teeth, and ended in glorious dimples.   He then remembered the guilt.

He was forced out of the sweet day dream and reluctantly returned to thoughts of his actions and responsibilities while in London.  There was so much for him to do, with no end in sight.  He moved from the desk to the bed and began to undress, removing his waistcoat, shirt and trousers.  He searched his satchel for a thick cotton night shirt, as the night had grown cold and damp.  The steam pipes, a modern luxury of the hotel, remained stone cold and quiet.  John turned down the oil lamps that provided a dim and smokey light to the evening and fell heavily into bed.  

As he lay back on the pillows, sleep did not come easily.  He had remained at Townsend's past midnight and was still the first to leave. He had grown uncomfortable as the evening took on a more festive spirit, filled with society gossip, forced laughter, late night dancing and Caroline Townsend Delaney.  She was a key player in the success of the manufacturing relief efforts and had lobbied unquestionably on John's behalf, but her loyalty came with a price.  He was ashamed of himself for the way he had treated the influential widow earlier that evening, for not being completely honest with her.  They were, in fact,  very close acquaintances; an honor that John shared with the Prime Minister himself, or so it was rumored.

He threw off the covers, went to the window and looked down upon the great railway station below, lit by gas lanterns, their glow growing dimmer as a fog set in on the city.  He wondered, did Margaret really know what kind of man he was? When it came to know the other, John had the advantage of befriending Nicholas Higgins, who knew Margaret for the kind hearted and intelligent woman she was.  Higgins was able to add layers to Margaret's personality of spirited dissent and a wicked sense of humor that could match Higgins' own.  But what did Margaret know of him, other than what she learned from her quick exchanges with him years ago?  There were, perhaps, only a dozen of these encounters. 

Given his current situation with the Mrs.Delaney, what of Margaret's experience with love, beyond that of the dutiful daughter, sister and cousin? John knew her to be a virtuous woman, but had there been another man in the years that they were separated that showed her some affection and admired her for the woman she was?  He feared that his forwardness in expressing his intentions to take possession of her had also taken advantage of Margaret's innocence, playing on girlish feelings that were never fully formed beyond a fleeting infatuation from the few months she lived in Milton.  John turned from the window, rubbing his forehead.  He had given her nothing over the years that could nourish the feelings of true love.

His guilt wore heavy on him, for he had treated neither woman with his complete honesty.  He guiltily luxuriated in his time with Caroline, as she was a woman who enjoyed the act of love, even without the emotion, in a shockingly unfeminine manner.  That she was able to bring John to the parties and dinners of men of great influence was, of course, a benefit of this relationship that he had conveniently pushed to the back of his conscience. More so than her indifferent brother, Caroline's connections and influence had allowed John an easy access to the Mansion Committee, to philanthropists and high ranking members of her majesty's government.  John had convinced himself that the selfish satisfaction he took from this clandestine relationship was not completely self serving, as this woman had took to heart and mind the suffering of the industrial north and saw fit to lobby on his behalf.   

The guilt had become overwhelming as his mind raced and he broke out in a sweat.  Margaret would never forgive him.

John turned from the window as his stomach turned and his breathing became short and winded.  Reuniting with Margaret had shown a light into that dark corner and he was forced to face his own shame. He knelt at the side of the bed. "Forgive me, Father, as I have done wrong.  Please help me  as I beg her forgiveness."