Should Have Seen This Coming...

Chapter V - Writing As A Lonesome Coping Mechanism

I didn't start taking a liking to the concept of writing until at least the age of 14. Prior to then, it wasn't much of a hobby but moreso an academic task that I didn't want to align myself with. The origins in which I began were pretty corny; but nonetheless I regret none of it because it's shaped me into a well-rounded writer. Initially, I started writing poetry -- "love poetry." The entire time I wrote this in my past was for an agenda. It was to get girls in my good graces so I could get close enough to losing my then-virginity. Interestingly enough, most of the time I wrote these cringe-worthy pieces, I never showed them to whomever it was intended for because I was too bashful. So, in hindsight, it was for nothing really.

Obviously, though, we all had to start from somewhere in order to cultivate into what we've become today. I'm a much better writer and critic because of my shitty earlier workings and I find immense pleasure in knowing this. The very understanding of this is heartwarming and humbling. Anyway, throughout my early developmental stages of being a writer, I began becoming fascinated with the idea of being a rapper; but I sucked. It wasn't until my early twenties that I started getting better at rapping and even recording. I could objectively still use some work, though. It's more of a hobby these days and it's taken a backseat. These days, I write short films, think-pieces and full-length screenplays.

Truthfully, my primary purpose for writing was to develop a healthy coping mechanism for my depression and anxiety and to simply deal with being lonely. The ploy for getting girls came secondary because I knew that shit wasn't going to work unless I was hot; which I'm not. It's true what they say when they say experience teaches you to become a better writer; because I wouldn't have wrote this if I was still in an excruciatingly miserable space in my life. More specifically, my previous relationship with Lyric.

A few years after being an unskilled 14 year old, I put aside poetry writing and started writing video scripts for my cringeworthy rants. Most of the time the writing was pretty decent but it always sounded rehearsed when the product came full circle and I didn't realize it until much later when no one would engage on my content unless tagged on social media and sometimes the tagging wasn't even enough. I wouldn't be surprised if the people who actually did engage did it out of pity; which is sad and unfortunate. Spending at least an hour or so scripting, two hours or less shooting and two and a half editing and getting little to no feedback or acknowledgement, really depressed me and discouraged me so much that I felt like giving insight or even trying to make friends was pointless and that I'll indefinitely be introverted, lonely and isolated. So social media became shit to me and I just began hoping to find more coping mechanisms.

After many unsuccessful attempts of gathering good alternatives, I began to write different things and even turned most of my scripts into Twitter tweets. Oh, yeah... barely anyone gave a fuck about those either. What a surprise, right? But making the efforts to write out my thoughts actually made it somewhat easier to navigate in conversations; because I'm usually scatter-brained and I'm reminded of that often. I'm oftentimes in a position where I know something someone is doing is wrong and I'm willing to acknowledge it but I don't have the proper wordplay in my mental rolodex to use to explain it to them. I try to give nuance to situations a lot and it ends up looking like a disaster. Sometimes I hate dumbing things down because it doesn't have the same effect as something with nuance. But one thing I really have to understand is that too many people listen to respond and not to understand and I have to be mindful of that going forward because some things just aren't worth it with those kinds of folk.

I'm backtracking a bit here but I didn't really start taking music seriously, I suppose, until about the age of 17; when I started recording music and I was a part of a horrible duo that I put together with an atrocious name -- Social Menacessities. Bare with me, I was in my purist phase and I really thought I was going to be the gift to the rap game. Because, at that point, I seen and heard an oversaturation of non-traditional rap on television and it bothered me. This was at the height of the "jerking" era pretty much. Oh, the cringe, I tell you. But as far as me being the gift, that was so far from the truth that it hurts. I mean... I might have been lyrical or whatever but my flow was stale and I had no stage presence, rhythm and so much more. I really thought I was going to be a successful rapper. Boy, was I off.

Lucky for me, I put my dream on hold and focused more on developing my sound and writing style and now I'm songwriting for others. I'm just hoping to get the chance to pitch the songs to people. I honestly prefer writing for other people other than writing my own music because the stuff I'm writing these days I don't seem to have the range for musically. I've only written R&B songs so far but I'm sure I'll do pop, rock, alternative and ghostwriting for hip-hop soon enough. I think this dream will last a while. Let's just hope I can make a career out of it at least.

Becoming a writer sort of made me become a critic too; of many things and people. Unfortunately, though, some people can't handle criticism. Especially street-oriented folk, who I typically come across, given my background, surroundings, proximity and upbringing. Which brings me to my next point -- gangsters and dialogue.

I've been noticing for years now just how anti-dialogue a lot of gangsters tend to be. And I'm walking on eggshells a bit here because I'm trying not to make this a blanket statement or a complete generalization of the inhabitants of the gangster community. So to clarify, this goes for most gang affiliates or just most gangsters. I added that extra part in because a lot of people can be incognizant.

Getting back on topic, though... Gangsters are notable for holding up an aggressive persona. Like... if you talk "sideways" to a certified figure; he'll more than likely let it be known that he's not up for a full-on debate about something, just off of the strength of him being hostile. They're quick to pull out a firearm or a melee weapon as an implication of "We're not about to do this." And if the firearm or melee weapon doesn't come into the equation whatsoever, they're ready to fight but the last one is pretty unlikely.

Practically anything not seen as sheer validation of their beliefs or something that doesn't stroke their egos are seen as signs of disrespect. So, my point here is that gangsters are supposed to be the hardest, most stoic figures ever but, are ironically some of the most fragile. I think people are easily going to misinterpret what I meant, or even deflect my clear point just to go with a narrative, so let me attempt to expound on this belief.

They're ironically fragile in the sense of them holding up the facade of them being careless and superfluously macho but seemingly relinquishing this persona or facade of sorts when confronted with any kind of backlash or discourse by resorting to wanting to attack you in some format; which is emotional, ironically. Isn't it? The thing about this is that I'm sure this is going to rub someone the wrong way and it's going to get them in their feelings so much that I'll probably be confronted about it in a harmful way. But, hell... it needs to be said, regardless of it being a newsflash or not.

And this fragility sucks because there's so many gangsters that are openly insightful but given that they come from a certain background and their upbringing is rooted in things like hyper-masculinity and hyper-aggression, it enables them to tap into gangster mode when there's opposing or conflicting viewpoints upon them.

That's why it's hard for people outside of the culture or people who aren't inherently aware or nearby the inhabitants of such a culture to critique the livelihoods of such; because of the predictability of the situation. There's almost a 100% guarantee that any objective criticism or projection of criticism will enable things to backfire with either gunplay, threats, jumpings or fear-mongering looks.

And this type of shit is documented all over social media; from the beefs between street-based rappers and rappers outside of that particular realm on Instagram to the entailing beefs between bloggers, radio personalities and renowned gangstas. Now, sure... some of these media personalities and what-not do tend to get a little carried away with the way they speak; but oftentimes a lot of the criticisms on the community is tamed but people choose not to deal with it objectively or rationally. It's like all they want is validation and yes-men, not conversation or any kind of growth or unpacking. How do you literally hold up this "I don't give a fuck" persona or mentality but are so quick to get reckless when you're held accountable? Do you see where I'm going here with my point?

This shit is troublesome because in order to have a solid understanding of culture and livelihoods and such, a dialogue is needed. There's way too much subjectivity going on. And that's as far as I'm going to go with it. Besides... I don't really have much else to say anyway. That's my input.

This is the type of stuff I write about. I just don't really have an audience to express these views to. But hopefully in time that'll change and I'll get more people to rally behind me and my efforts.