Should Have Seen This Coming...

Chapter IV - Becoming Objective

Back in high school I thought I was hot shit because I rapped lyrically but, to be fair-minded, it sucked. And if anyone told me that it did at that point, I'd just deflect it and call them a "hater," just like most lames who don't know how to take criticism do. At that stage in my life I was a purist when it came to hip-hop. I made unrealistic assessments on artists of that time period and I was just an overall old head. Of course, "old headedness" isn't limited to age; it's more of a mindset. I couldn't appreciate how great hip-hop from previous eras were and still are while understanding the shift hip hop was making. Too many people, myself included, thought that hip-hop particularly was regressing in regards to evolution. And we felt like this because there wasn't an oversaturation of lyricism and socially conscious music that much anymore because the demand changed greatly when the internet took off. We have more control of what goes and what doesn't now. And that pisses old heads off. That's just a tamed version of the truth.

There's literally a balance in the rap game now; but people are deliberately choosing not to see it. All people claim to see is the flex-based, cocky, sex-crazed, luxurious rap that's depicted on television and in cinema. But there's artists making strides online that fall into alignment with the traditional aspects of rap; such as the lyrical facet and storytelling facet. I just find it interesting how people love to say that hip-hop was never braggadocious or at least as braggadocious as this generation's form of it is. As if we didn't have people flexing on records about their gold chains and adidas and even their new cars and houses. Where the hell do you think we got inspired from? People love to play dumb.

Anyway, back to my point, I couldn't take criticism for anything I was impassioned about and neither could most of my running mates on campus. We all sucked at something. I wanted to tell people they needed work but they couldn't tell me. It was a messy time in my life. I even lost some friends because of how much I grew from that in the hereafter. Once I became objective and started learning how to internalize criticism and give criticism life became so much better. But it wasn't like that for everyone, of course. It's a growing process. People go their whole lives behaving pretentiously to protect people's fragile egos but I absolutely hate being pretentious; despite my newfound willingness to behave as such. But oftentimes the most I'll do to make sure someone doesn't lose their mind is peel back a little bit on the nuances of what I'm expressing. But at this point in my life I hate lying or misleading people; or both. Doing either just stagnates people, to be honest. Are we really friends if I just tell you what you want to hear? I don't believe so.

To be specific, I started becoming more fair-minded probably in the spring or summer of 2016 and that kind of figuratively drew blood in the relationship because she seemed to hate it when I held her accountable for things I found to be errors in her character. Deflection, for instance, I'd point out to her. I'd acknowledge that she has a stable pattern of dismissing my arguments or just shrugging off my statements, especially when they were based in logic. And when I proved her wrong or I was dead set on making a point there'd always be some ultimatum involved; which essentially made me walk on eggshells. The ultimatum being something along the lines of -- let's not talk about this otherwise we're not having sex or you can go home. Mind you... I was whipped. So that pussy withdrawal technique worked like a charm practically every time. And when it didn't, and I took things well, she'd lose her mind and give me the silent treatment or send me home like a sad puppy.

So, needless to say, the beginning of the relationship was toxic to some effect and I stayed because I didn't want to be alone because I never really had anyone to be close to as far as companionship and friendship and the vagina was lovely. I mean... she's the first woman I slept with and I thought the world of her and her vagina at the time. Let's continue onward with my point about becoming objective and dealing with the repercussions of being such.

Having to walk on eggshells so much and not be able to be objective brought me so much displeasure because it became a part of my essence. Eggshell-walking gave me anxiety and I didn't like having to filter out my truths or opinions. It just showed how subjective a lot of people are. The only time you can be fair-minded around certain people is when it doesn't involve them or concern them really; which is unfair to me. So, whenever I was around people like that, I almost always contemplated fleeing to someone with, you know... actual fucking sense. I mean, it's one thing if you're a complete fucking douchebag or contrarian who just disagrees with everything and you're a constant buzzkill, but I wasn't. I was usually reserved and I'd either wait for someone to ask me something or I'd come out and say something that makes sense during an event where there's a lot of us. And usually it would fly. But that's just because most of the time it wasn't situations where I was holding someone accountable.

No one I spoke to really while I was initially dating my first love wanted to have to cross-examine themselves. They just wanted sheer validation of their rhetoric. And so did she oftentimes. So I left. And I felt as though I had found a lot more freedom and I was able to actually be myself. I no longer felt as miserable as I did and that's because there weren't any ultimatums involved if I had a point. I literally felt like an adult and not a fucking step child. But, you know what? I missed Lyric a lot. The memories have a funny way of showing up out of nowhere. I was supposed to marry her, but that definitely won't happen. Being with her initially and leaving to grow kind of schooled me on people and what not to tolerate and it encouraged me to become better. I sucked when we dated; I'll admit that. Fuck her, though... I'm better off without her.