Should Have Seen This Coming...

Chapter VII - Overcoming

Back when I initially moved to Las Vegas, NV in February of 2018, I ended up getting word from my brother two days after the moving that my grandfather had passed. My mother was devastated and so was I. But I'd felt so horrible because I wasn't able to be there to help her grieve. I never quite got over that and I probably won't but I've learned to accept it. Approximately six months after my grandfather, my grandmother had followed in his footsteps; also dying while I was away in Vegas. Naturally, the same feeling overtook me but in a much more intense fashion. More than likely, it hurt much more to lose my grandmother because it was like losing a mother. Especially since my mother's the spitting image of her, just chocolate.

I wouldn't say that losing my grandparents triggered suicidal thoughts. But it definitely did deepen my depression throughout the span of my stay. It burdened me to know that I wasn't around for my mother and that the only person who was genuinely there for her was my older brother "Dre." Myself, my older brother and my mother all share an intimate bond and we're practically inseparable. But my father isn't likable to me very much. Basically my perspective of my father is that he's a junkie, a manipulator, and a hotep. However, we'll discuss my father in the last chapter, because I have other things I'd like to address.

Overcoming is next to impossible for me. To be completely honest with you, I don't think anyone truly overcomes anything; in the sense that they grow out of a mood or bury trauma or an infliction. Instead, we endure and learn to accept moreso. I've been molested, threatened, deprived and manipulated throughout all of my life. And many would go so far as to say that, given the span of my endurance, I should be numb to it by now. However, I'm not necessarily desensitized. I've merely just found different methods to handle these things I internalize; writing being one of the methods.

Even things I've inflicted onto others I constantly reflect on. Just knowing that someone either thinks I'm a monster or that something I've done or have gotten close to doing is monstrous is very horrifying to me. Even coming to terms with that the fact that I was once a fuck-boy, who played the charmer on the outside, in an effort to be performative, weighed heavy on me. To present to my first love that I'd cheated on her with two people at separate times and under similar circumstances, hurt but it needed to be expressed in order to go forward. I'm at a point in my life where lying about things just isn't my forte. It took a while for me to unpack my problematic characteristics and what-not but I've done well.

Breaking stigmas due to my previous endeavors is actively hard and will continue to be. Especially because many people want to keep their perception of you the same and they refuse to see the growth. I'm tired of people telling me to stop caring what people think about me as if that's all I do all day, every day. Sure, they may not be implying I think of that every day but for someone who's never had much of a social life or had friends that stuck with you for the longest, even dating back to my early childhood, it's tough to not care about how people perceive you.

I'm a person who doesn't want to overcompensate or get out of character just to fit in with a crowd just so I can feel welcomed or a part of something. Being disingenuous for companionship isn't something I like to do. I can care less if people think I'm corny or a dork, things I proclaim for myself anyway, so long as they don't consistently use those narratives to become bullies or to be in the pursuit of angering me. I think repetitiveness of already-known things become redundant and it'll piss off anyone.

I usually concern myself with what people think about me when I'm invited to a social setting where there's a likelihood that I'll have to engage and leave an impression in order to not be bored. It's not a very big deal if they don't want to be my friends afterward. I just don't want to be there with nothing to do. Social settings aren't my thing anyway. I don't really enjoy going to parties, social gatherings or anything like that. Unless I'm exclusively with people I know, love, care for or like.

I'm too considerate oftentimes and me being a sweetheart surprisingly can be a pain in the ass. I see friends talking to someone else at a gathering and go about my business instead of looking like I'm about to interrupt or just deliberately interrupting, I go about my business. Perhaps, I go for a walk or I go have a seat and write or review things. But I don't like to appear clingy to anyone. Especially to people who don't want to clinged to, even publicly. So I maintain distance and come back periodically to engage and I usually navigate elsewhere. I can't help it. People's comfortability and contentment is important to me. And I wish for the people I know to keep a healthy perception of me so the way I am seems to fit well because it keeps things stable. I have anxiety and I'm an introvert. So I kind of want people to know this and for people to shut the fuck up when they see me being my overanxious, introverted, lonely self. Either do something about it or hush. I don't want your fucking lectures. Thank you.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I never overcame walking on eggshells but I've gotten better at navigating away from situations where it seems that that'll happen. I really hate walking on eggshells, even though I have to oftentimes because too many people can't handle my objectivity or me being nonchalant or me holding people accountable. So if niggas see me walk away or something, it's probably because I'm thinking about saying something objective and I have a strong feeling that ain't nobody ready for my mouth and I'm not about to walk on eggshells for you so I'm dipping.

So to conclude this chapter pretty much, I never have and more than likely never will overcome anything because it seems to not exist; at least for me. Instead, I learn and will learn to accept life as it is and I'll press onward with my depressed ass. With that being said -- next chapter.