I Still Love You | Reddie

Chapter 3: I Regret What I Said.

Short message: If you want to, you can listen to the song I linked for this chapter. It's optional, but listening to it while reading kind of makes the whole reading experience better. Okay, bye.

---

The emptiness Richie felt seemed to grow inside of him each day – slowly devouring him from within, taking all of what was left of him. Little by little, Richie started to turn numb and unfeeling. He did not know if it was a good thing. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. The impassiveness that intensified itself inside of him made Richie immune to almost everything – or maybe, he just felt too much all at once that he did not even know how to distinguish it anymore. It was most likely the latter.

Richie stared at the ceiling of his room; his limp body sprawled across the bed while a cigarette was loosely held in between his fingers. He brought his hand up to his lips and began to inhale the smoke from his fag. Most days, it was like this. He would just stare at a field of nothingness, wondering how everything all went wrong just because of a stupid mistake he did when he was thirteen. Thirteen, for fuck's sake! Maybe if he told Eddie that he wasn't into him, then it wouldn't have gone this far, and he wouldn't be wallowing in despair – desperately wishing for his ex-boyfriend to come back. Maybe, just maybe, if he kept his feelings for Eddie all to himself, then everything would've been okay – Eddie would still be in Derry.

Tears started to form around his eyes, blurring his vision further. Soon enough, his face felt wet and no matter how much he tried to stop himself from crying, he couldn't. He was broken – completely and utterly broken. He felt as though everything has been taken away from him. He couldn't believe the fact that Eddie was gone from his life – he was Richie's everything.

"I hate you, Eddie Kaspbrak."

The words kept on haunting his mind, torturing him mentally and physically. Richie still recalled the day perfectly – and it made him sick. He didn't hate Eddie. As a matter of fact, he loved him so much. So, so much. He didn't mean what he said that day. Richie despised the fact that his mouth moved faster than his brain. However, what he hated the most was that those were the last words he ever said to Eddie.

Richie placed his cigarette on his bedside table, still looking at the mundane ceiling intently like it had all the answers in the world. His cheeks were stained with tears while his eyes were red and puffy. He started to pull on his hair, crying as if there was no tomorrow. He hated every single day he spent without Eddie. Richie yearned to go back to the past, to warn himself of what would happen – to change everything and start over. He craved to make things right, but it was all too late. Richie couldn't stop the time and rewind – he couldn't even fucking see properly! Nevertheless, he still wanted to – no matter how ridiculous it sounded.

"You may be the school's smartest kid – but damn, Tozier, you are one stupid fucking bitch." Richie said to himself, laughing dryly. He was exhausted. Tired of being dumb, tired of not seeing Eddie, tired of living without the love of his life beside him – he was tired of everything. If only there was a way he could take back what he said, a way to tell Eddie what he actually felt, a way to tell Eddie what he wanted to say to him for the last time, a way to tell Eddie that he loved him to death. But there was none – there was no way at all. 

---

Hello! I hope you liked this chapter. I am really sorry it's short. I wanted this part to convey Richie's emotions perfectly. I found out that using mine helped because this is kind of where I'm at right now and it sucks a lot. But yeah, I hope you guys liked that. If not, I am really sorry! Also, if there are any grammatical errors, feel free to point it out and I will edit it. Okay, goodbye!

Nico ⚡️

- Also, I would like to thank my very good friend who is like my sibling at this point for helping me edit this chapter! Sam the Mule, if you see this, thank you!