Starting Over / Shourtney

Chapter Eighteen: Hope Fades

December 20th, 2018

<Courtney's POV>

Seven weeks.

It had been seven whole weeks since the shutdown, and I felt like recently it was just me, Ian, and Shayne who were tugging the Smosh boat along. I guess it had always sort of been that way. Shayne and I were always the most involved in the writing and the creative side of things. That wasn't to say anything bad about the rest of our squad. They had always written the EBEs with us and had pitched great ideas. It was just that Shayne and I were always more interested in that part of Smosh.

Now that there wasn't much backing us, I didn't blame everyone else for trying to do their own thing. Noah had been making some awesome and hilarious Instagram videos, and then there was that movie that Olivia was going to be shooting which I was so excited for her about. Keith had his own stuff going and Shayne could focus on the Goldbergs. But for me, this was it.

Smosh was what I wanted to do. It was my dream job, and it was snatched right out from under me. I couldn't bear the thought of it going away forever. I felt like I really was the only one who was clinging onto it so desperately, well, besides for Ian of course. It felt like a constant pressure on my brain, and at times I felt so alone in it. But Shayne was always there with us too. He, Ian, and I would have our weekly dinners and skype meetings talking about the future. We still had our writing sessions and hung out, even if it wasn't every day. But the future was so unknown, and it scared me.

At least I knew I had Shayne in my corner. What did he say to me that first day? "Whatever happens we'll do it together." But it was getting into late December now and there was still no news on a new parent company. We were getting closer and closer to the end zone and as much as I wanted to help, there wasn't really anything that I could do.

"It'll be ok, it'll be ok, it'll be ok." I muttered under my breath as I paced my apartment, trying to stop the intruding anxious thoughts from clogging up my brain. I ran a hand through my hair, internally kicking myself for getting worked up into this state.

It had started so suddenly, sneaking up on me tonight with no warning or indication of its approach. I had finished packing for my trip to my mom's for the holidays and had been watching Netflix on my couch. I was distracting myself with The Office's familiar jokes, my leg bouncing up and down with unconscious anxiety. I didn't realize it was happening until I had already broken out in a cold sweat, my heart pounding loudly in my ears. The feeling of nausea and dread hit abruptly and I was soon approaching full on panic mode.

We weren't going to find a new company. This was the end. We won't be ok. There's nothing we could do about it.

"Calm down Courtney." I said to myself, my voice breaking through the quiet of my apartment, but it didn't sound too convincing.

I walked to my kitchen sink, and leaned over to splash water on my face. I felt a moment of relief before it ended quickly, nausea churning in my stomach and vibrating through my body. I reached for my phone and my hands shook as I typed out a hurried text to Shayne asking him if he was busy. His reply was immediate.

S: Not at all, want to get some food?

I released a breath I didn't know I was holding. I don't know what made me text Shayne, I just really needed to not be alone. Feeling slightly lightheaded, I quickly typed back that he should come over and I would order postmates. 'Sounds good," was his reply and I opened the delivery app to order food from one of Shayne's favorite Thai restaurants near-by. It was 19 minutes before he arrived at my door.

19 very long minutes.

The grin that was on his face as I answered his knock, quickly disappeared as soon as he saw me. I must have looked like an absolute wreck, sweaty and flushed, shaking nervously. I felt a little woozy as he quickly stepped through the threshold and into my apartment.