RAVEN'S HOPE

8- Thoughts

———2/03/18———

———7:30AM———

My head hurt but I had to pretend I was feeling good so that my mum won't complain much. I was scared to take any medication so I stuck with water to relieve me off the headache.

Immediately I saw Vincent, memories of last night flooded my memory. He was walking over to me and I groaned.

"You could've seen yourself. Y'all we're just too horny to notice anything." Abigail joked in my ear as I looked down and tried to hide in the midst of students walking around the hallway.

"Raven!" Vincent called me and I stopped walking. I couldn't hide from him, knowing that we'll meet in class. He walked up to me and hugged me, placing a kiss on my forehead.

"Morning." I greeted and took a step back from him. Remember, he's not interested. It was just the weed. It was just the mood. You were drunk. He wanted to take advantage of that situation. Tell him you don't want that. "About last night, I'm so sorry. I was drunk. I know you're not interested so I'll just be on my way and we'll pretend it never happened." I quickly excused myself before he had the chance to say anything. I was scared that he'll reject me so I had to do it first.

———4:01PM———

My mum came back home early from work and she was pleased to see me seated in the living room with college pamphlets in my hands.

"So, have you made a decision?" She asked and I shrugged. I really didn't have any choice. All the schools were looking nice and the tuition was great but I couldn't choose. "You have to make the decision soon."

"I'm thinking of UCLA or NYU. I'm not sure. Or maybe Penn state." I mumbled. Honestly, I only called the names off the pamphlets.

"NYU is a good choice. Your dad went to NYU." She said as she sat beside me and put an arm around me.

"How did you and dad meet?" I asked her and she smiled a little.

"I have a friend called Melanie, her husband and your dad are friends. Your dad and I met in highschool. He was just a friend then but one crazy night and we had you." She paused and cleared her throat.

"Do you still love him? I mean like after everything he's done, do you still love him?" I asked and she sighed. I placed my head on her shoulder to comfort her.

"Yes. I can live my life without him. I am actually happy with my life but maybe I think about him once in a while. I think about what could've been if I hadn't signed that divorce paper." She whispered the last part like it was a secret.

"Do you think that I can find someone that'll love me unconditionally?"

"Yes, you will. No matter the bumps on the road, no matter the fights and argument, he can love you unconditionally." She kissed my forehead and I began to think of Vincent. Will he love me unconditionally? Will he love me no matter what happens between us? No he wouldn't. He'll use you the same way Josh did. He'll leave you for someone you don't like. He'll make you feel useless and unwanted, like Josh did. I shook my head.

"Do you have intrusive thoughts?" I asked and she shook her head 'no' which made me shrug. "I brought Vincent home and we almost kissed. I'm scared that he may not like me or he'll leave me. Oh my gosh, I've said too much." I quickly got up and ran up the steps. Entering my room, I shut the door and I slipped down the door and wrapped my arms around my legs. My heart was in a frenzy and so was my head. I felt too weak to move and I was very uncomfortable in the position I was seated.

"Rave?" My mum called and I took deep breaths. "Do you want my advice? Well I think you should talk to him. If you're not ready for commitment, say it and also listen to what he'll say first so that you can make your decision. If he likes you then that's good and if he doesn't, its still good. At least you made a move." I nodded and got up before climbing into my bed. I counted how many seconds before I felt uncomfortable with my shoes. 5 seconds.

"Come down for dinner, okay?" She called and I nodded. "You really need to eat. You look pale."

"I've eaten." I called out. I didn't want to face her. I didn't want to have a conversation and lie to her.

"When did you eat?" She asked and I bit my bottom lip. I couldn't lie to her. She's my mum. "Open the door, Raven." I slowly moved underneath my duvet and wrapped myself in the heat. She opened the door and stepped into the room. "Take off your jacket and your bracelets."

"But mum." I whined.

She sighed. "Raven, I'm scared. I've been too relaxed with you and I thought maybe it'll make you feel free but I think you're just hiding things from me."

"I'm not." I tried to defend myself but she gave me a look, telling me that she wasn't buying it. "Ask me anything, I'll tell you the truth."

"Just take off your jacket and bracelets." She sternly said and I got up from the bed. I took off my hoodie and bracelets, trying to hide my scars from her. She quickly grabbed my hands and scanned them. "Oh, Raven."

"Mum, I can-"

"I'm calling your dad." She announced as she let go of me. My heart sunk and I suddenly felt too exposed. "I can't. I just can't."

"Please, don't call dad."