Barely Breathing

Chapter Four

        I have to take in a painfully deep breath before I can open the door. It swings open with ease, allowing me to see the home I haven't been in for two months. The living room is dead ahead. My parents are standing talking, maybe even arguing, with Wesley's parents. Then I notice my aunt and my father here as well. I can't hear them well, but I can feel the intensity of the conversation. In two months, nobody seems to have changed. Although, the furniture has obviously been moved around much more than necessary.
From behind me, I feel two hands on my shoulders. I know without having to look that it's Wes and Brook encouraging me to move forward; to speak. I summon up all my strength and do it. I walk across the floor to the couch and I place myself behind it. The four adults never notice. I wait until there's a break, even a second of one, and speak.
"Hi."
My mother's head snaps straight to my direction. Her face lights up. My step-father rushes to embrace me, along with my aunt. Meanwhile, Wesley's parents look happy and upset at the same time to see him. All of the grown-ups hug me after that, with the exception of Wes's family. Then the questions start. All at once, I'm attacked with "where were you"s and "what on Earth happened to you"s. I can't help but chuckle a little at it.
"I'm fine, calm down. Um, let's start with the basics, okay?" They nod in response. "Great. This is Brooklyn, my new friend. She and some others have been taking care of me, I suppose you could say. Brooklyn, this is my family."
"Nice to meet you." She says sweetly. She gets waves in return.
I continue, "For a while, I was under an overpass over by the tracks. Then Brooklyn here found me and decided to take me along with her. Since then, I've been camping out in a field with her and her friends Niles and Kash. They've been trying to feed me and all sorts of stuff."
Before anyone can ask anything, Wesley's mom interrupts. "Wes, where were you? You were supposed to be home over two hours ago."
"I found out from Kash that Raelyn was at this field, so I went over there to make sure she was okay. Now I'm here." He says back.
"Uh-huh, and now you're leaving with us."
"No, no, I think I'm going to stay the night."
"Excuse me?"
"Stick around. You'll get more information that way." Brooklyn tells her with a wink that I have to giggle at.
She's not happy about it, but she decides not to argue and sits down. The others sink into chairs as well. All of them except for Brooklyn and Wes who stand, I assume, to offer me some support.
After a pause, I start up again, "I can't really say what exactly happened. I guess if there's anything I could say to explain it, it would be that I broke after hearing about my friend's passing. I couldn't handle it, so I took off. I wasn't expecting to be gone for so long, but I couldn't think of any reason to come back. It never crossed my mind as a good idea, or even one worth focusing on. So I stayed gone and I got drunk a lot. Sometimes I did some drugs or smoked some weed. I just did whatever I could to make the pain go away; the mental and the physical. I understand addiction better now. You can get addicted to anything that makes you feel better, you know? If I had to be honest, I would say that I'm still hurting. My brain still wants me away from me. I am tempted to take off back out the door back to the field. I want to try to numb myself out some more because I don't want to feel this pain anymore.
"But I'm not going to. I currently weigh a little over forty-two pounds, which isn't even supposed to be possible, and it's getting harder to move. It's getting harder to move, to breathe, to speak, to think. We thought my attention span was bad before, but honestly? You haven't seen anything yet. I want to run, but I can't. And I don't just mean physically. If I left again, right now, I would probably never walk back in through that door because I would die first. That's why I called Doctor Eugene. Tomorrow, I'm leaving with Brooklyn to go to a treatment facility for eating disorders. Eugene said that he'll pay for everything and take care of me. Yes, I told him he didn't have to, but he's decided that he likes our family too much as a friend to make me suffer more as a patient. Or, he said something similar to that. Either way, Wesley, Brooklyn, and I are taking off tomorrow morning to meet up with him and get me into this center. I won't be allowed on my phone while I'm there, however you can come visit me anytime you desire as long as it's between ten and four. Those are day hours, by the way. We'll be leaving together at seven so we can make sure to get breakfast and make it there by eight. I'm assuming that after that, Brooklyn will drop Wes at home so he can get some more sleep before he has to go in to work. Are there any more questions?"
"When will you be allowed to come back home?" My aunt speaks up.
"Either when they think I can handle it or once I hit the weight I was last time I was at the doctor, which I want to say was one hundred and nine."
"How are we going to know when it's time for you to come back home?" My dad wonders.
"If the clinic doesn't call you and let you know, I will."
"Is there anything we can do to help you get better?" My mom questions.
"There are multiple pamphlets at the ward with all sorts of information in them. There are also doctors, like therapists, that you can talk to and articles online."
We continue with the Q and A for a few minutes longer before switching over to normal conversation. Wesley's parents leave after a short amount of time, still unhappy that he's staying over. I get filled in one some of things I missed while I was away. They've been searching for me nonstop since I left out of fear that something happened to me. I tell them about some of the funny things that happened while I was hanging with Brooklyn and the guys. Some of it they find really funny, some of it they find stupid and unbelievable for me. At one-thirty, I break away to go to bed. Wes follows me to my room while Brook settles in on the couch.
I'm taken aback by how good the bed feels on my back. I decide that I'm never staying on the hard ground that long ever again. Wes cuddles me as comfortably as he can and drifts off. I lie awake for a while longer thinking heavily about tomorrow and what's about to become my life. I catch myself wondering about all the what-ifs and stressing out over the possibility of me not waking up in the morning. I push my fears aside though because reality is you can't live if you're dead, and Death can smell stress.

I wake up the next morning to Brooklyn whispering to Wes and I trying to softly wake us. I sit up, which pulls him out of his slumber, and send her off to make tea. I get dressed in clothes are far too big for me now while Wes is doing the same in the bathroom. After checking that my shoes are properly tied, I go out to the kitchen to pour the tea into my thermos. Brooklyn and I end up bickering over who gets to use the bathroom after it's free again. The door opens and I decide to hang back until she's out. Walking alone is exhausting enough for me. I don't need to try rushing past her. So I go in after her. When I get out, her and Wes are ready and he's holding my thermos for me. We walk out together and I make sure to lock the door.
We decide to stop by a gas station for something to eat while getting gas to save up some time. I grab a deli sandwich and a soda. I don't catch sight of whatever the two of them choose to grab for themselves. Brooklyn pays for both of us. We gather back into her car. Pleasant conversations and sing-alongs break out while we shoot across the highways and I swear it's the best thirty minutes of my life. I feel my heart trying to ruin it as we see the clinic up ahead and it tries leaping out of my chest. She parks the car and all of us walk up to the doors together. I feel accurate in assuming that we are all wondering the same thing:
Will I succeed, or will I fall farther apart?