Barely Breathing

Chapter Three

     'How did we get here?'
A bright, probably unsafely big, fire is burning in front of me. The world is fuzzy through my eyes and I can't really feel a thing. It's all spinning too quickly. Smiling faces come in and out of my vision along with cheers, laughter, and yells. The only things that stay consistent are the music and the fire. The loud, thumping music that I can't seem to help but dance to. Words that I can barely pick up and beats that seem unreal for this planet race across my thoughts. I can see someone with their phone out, but I can't see who it is or what they're doing. I don't really care either, though. This is a time of joy, not worry or sadness. Who has any time for that?
I close my eyes and continue to dance. I dance until I can't hold myself up any longer, then I have to sit. The world turns real in that moment. Faces straighten out on the bodies they're attached to. The fire is back to burning hot rather than cold and the music returns to it's normal volume. Nothing is no longer blurry. I can recongise the happiness I feel. Brooklyn is talking to one of her friends while the other continues to play on his phone. I don't pay attention to the conversation, it doesn't interest me, and rather lay my head back on and close my eyes. I listen to whatever song is playing. I start to think of Wesley and wonder if he still thinks of me. I begin to wonder if our relationship still exists or if it's purely hypothetical now.
The unsettling thought forces me to open my eyes and lift my head. I stand from the uncomfortable lawn chair while stretching. I say a fast goodbye to the others before walking away from them to the tents. I crawl into mine and almost puke when I see a container with food in it. I grab it and sneak back out to dump it into the bushes some feet away from everybody. I feel bad for wasting someone's time, effort, and money like that, but I feel no need to eat now. I'm not dying. I am fine.
I lay down on the hard ground with my blanket and close my eyes. I don't feel tired enough to sleep, but still too tired to stay awake or hold myself up. I let myself drift off with the muffled sounds outside the tent. I focus more on the Earth-shattering realisation that many people would consider this kind of disappearance a break-up. Although Wesley isn't like most normal people, he still wouldn't waste his time staying in a relationship that has pretty much died. He wouldn't have a real reason to turn away any woman lurking around for him or his attention. Even if he did still want me, I doubt he would sit around forever waiting for me. I can't think of a person who would do that. Maybe I would if I really liked the person, but why would anyone else? That doesn't make sense at all. It makes almost as much sense as Camilla dying does. She was strong and beautiful and looked after herself. She never would have let her heart fail under any circumstances. She would have pushed her pride aside and gone to a doctor for help. She would never have laid down and die like that. She wouldn't have given up. Camilla is, was, smart even when it seemed like she was the stupidiest girl in the world. Besides, she was still so young. Since when do the young die so horribly?
My thoughts just start to die down when I hear a car pulling up. I slowly raise myself up and go to investigate. There's a green car parked on the grass and a collection of three males climb out. Behind is another car with a woman jumping out of it. It takes me a moment, but I am able to see them as Wesley and his friends. I'm stunned into a state similar to paralysation as Wes walks up to me and draws me into a tight hug. It's then that I realise I'm crying. I try to hide it, but I know there isn't any way it's not obvious. He pulls away for a second to instead kiss me sweetly.
"I am so happy to see that you're okay." He whispers to me.
"The same to you." I respond while backing away for a moment. "What are you doing here? How did you find us?"
"Kash posted a few videos on Snapchat and when I saw you, I immediately messaged him for the location. It's a little funny actually. I drove by here so often this past month while thinking of you with absolutely no idea that you were just behind a thick line of trees."
Somebody clears their throat. "So are we just going to ignore the fact that she looks dead?"
He steps from me off to the side and I can see his traveling companions. Judging from the voice, it was his friend Damien. I wave awkwardly to the crew, trying to pretend like I managed to not hear what he said. Wes starts to chastise him for being rude about it, with Adele jumping in, and Elijah only stands there. He jumps from looking at his phone to looking at their light argument. During this time, I shoot an uncomfortable and begging glance to Niles who catches on quickly.
"Hey, relax!" He bellows, grabbing their attention. "It doesn't matter right now. All that matters is you finally found her, safe and alive. So sit down, chill out, and upset yourselves over trivial things later."
After a moment of consideration, Wes nods and sits on a lawn chair. Adele, leading Damien and Elijah, does the same. I place myself onto Westley's lap, trying to push the fears of hurting him away. Brooklyn passes beers out to everyone while they start on meeting each other. I'm given a wine cooler, as that's my preferred taste, and drink a good portion of it before everyone has a drink. Wes and all his friends, with the exception of Damien, are all drinking water. It feels like the average night for the pack and I, but at the same time, it feels better. It feels better because Wes is here with us. Wes is here, and he hasn't given up on me. I listen to the talks drone on and soon find myself spacing out.
It's been two months and a half since Katie died. Two and a half months since I got the letter from her begging me to drop to her goal weight. I weighed myself yesterday while on an alcohol trip at Brooklyn's house. I'm at forty-two pounds and I should be dead. I don't know how I'm not, but I do know that it's creeping up on me. I've been considering running back and getting help, but I keep pushing the thought away. I've already lost so much – my memory, my strength, my menstration cycle, probably my ability to have kids as well, even more beyond that – and getting back to where I should be doesn't seem so worth it. It would take forever to win anything back and no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to get my normal life to return completely. I'd still be carrying the weight from this on me. Besides, Katie wouldn't have stopped at fifty either. She wouldn't have stopped at forty. She wouldn't have stopped until. . .
Until she died.
The though hits me like a back of bricks: Katie's dead. Oh my god, she is really dead and this is what killed her. She lost so myself of herself, of her mind and of her body, that when she started dying, she didn't care. She couldn't be bothered to care because she was finally doing something right. Katie is gone and her anorexia is what took her away from me. From her family, her friends, her love interests. She gave up everything she had chasing the idea of perfection and it landed her in a grave. It left her alone and in pain on her bed; probably afraid. It left her so dissosociated and heartless that she then messaged me and begged me to continue on for her. Her "legacy" is nothing but a path of pain. It could kill me too.
I turn my gaze over to Wes and stare at his face as the thought drowns me. It could take my life the way it took hers. I could disappear into the nothing just like Katie did and not only leave behind my family and friends, but also the love of my life. This wouldn't only be taking the world away from me, it would also be taking me away from the world. I would no longer be able to see the sunrise or to hear music. I would no longer be able to hold him and to kiss him. I wouldn't exist anymore. He would have nothing but pain for God knows how long after that. Katie didn't have much to live for, or so she thought, but I do.
I really do.
I have Wes.
I can't hurt Wes.
Panic starts to swell up within my body. I begin to shake violently and can't gain control over my body or my thoughts. Before I can even catch up to the moment, I'm on my feet and running into the darkness of the trees. I can hear my friends yelling, but I can't make out what they're saying. I can feel my body weakening, but I keep going. I keep running as one thought alone chases itself around my mind in a torturous blaze:
I can't hurt Wes.
I catch sight of sparkles floating in the air. It takes me a moment to realise they aren't really floating sparkles, but rather water from the lake glimmering under the moonlight. I didn't know that there was a lake here. If I did, I would have been swimming everyday instead of pretending to be asleep to get out of eating. I slow from my sprint to a stroll as I get closer. It stretches farther than my eyes can see. It's taming to look up and see the bright, orb of a moon in the sky and to look down and see the shining sea. This place is full of peace. My mind still isn't, but I try not to let that bother me as I sit down on some large rocks. I bring my knees up to my cheat and hug myself. I want to stay alive and live. I want to feel the sun, to kiss again, to be happy. I want to live. I want to live more than Katie wanted to be perfect, so why is there an urge deep within me, striking the walls of my heart, telling me to kill myself? I want to jump into the water, however I don't want to drown. I want to swim, not feel my lungs fight for air. But here I am listening to the uncontrollable thoughts wondering why I should stay as tears I didn't notice before roll down my face. Even though the answer is clear. Even though he is now right next to me hugging my tightened body. I want to live and to enjoy my life with Wes, but I don't want to feel the fear anymore that comes with life.
"There are too many thoughts inside my mind," I admit.
"So tell me about them," He urges.

An hour passes and I walk back to the camp with Wesley's hand in mine. Everyone is just as we left; only now my friends are sharing a joint. I go straight to my tent and crawl inside. I grab my one bag that Brooklyn has given me with clothes inside of it and emerge. Niles and Kash are watching me curiously as Wesley's friends bombard him. They want to know where we went and what we've been doing that takes so long. He says nothing to them. I know that he figures it's none of their business either. I take his hand again and we start off our own way toward my house. I announce this loudly to the others and we fade away together.