Pretend Like I Don't Entice You (Alan Ashby)

Self Improvement

*Alan's POV*
Karliah's silence was killing me, each moment felt like a bullet. I know I messed up but how do I even begin? I get drunk and my worst insecurities come up and she is always the one that deals with all the low blows I throw at her. "I'm going to stop drinking." I said breaking the silence and her head immediately snapped up, she clearly wasn't expecting this.
"Why?" She asked, her eyebrows slightly furrowed. "It's not healthy and my habits are ruining us. I'm hurting you horribly in the process." I said looking her in the eye.
Her expression instantly softened. Her eyes slowly began to become glossy. She slowly got up and walked over to me and grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers. "I forgive you." She said softly laying her head in the crook of my neck.
I picked her up bridal style and carried her to my room and laid her on the bed gently. "I'm so sorry, for everything I've said and accused you of. Even though you say you forgive me you still fear me a bit. I can see it in your eyes, it hurts that I made you this way." I mumbled crawling next to her. I curled up into the fetal position and she wrapped her arms around me.
She let out a soft sigh, "Alan you didn't make me this way, you brought out this side of me that's been hidden. He was the one who made me this way, not you. You are nothing like him and that is why I love you. You have your moments and you drink but I only become frightened when you break something but I'm not frightened of you. I love you Alan and I'm so happy you said this to me. I'm not expecting you to give up alcohol completely because come on. It's fun to be drunk every once in a while but just limit how much you drink. But I'll support you no matter what."

I snaked my arms around her and sniffled. I feel like she's settling to be with me. I know and she knows she could do better and deserves better. "I love you so much." I said into her chest, it came out muffled from her clothing but I know she heard me because her grip around me tightened.
"Can we please stay like this?" I asked quietly and she laughed making me smile. "Of course, this is nice." She said gently. I closed my eyes and let out a soft breath letting myself go. Her embrace is so comforting. I heard a soft exhale and I knew she was asleep. I smiled and let myself fall asleep. We're okay and hopefully things will stay this way.

*Karliah's POV*
"Vic get up." I groaned laying on my brother. "What do you want." He said irritated. "You need to get up, you have rehearsals." I sighed rolling off him onto the bed. "5 more minutes." He mumbled. "Vic you're already late." I said and he shot up. "Why did you wake me up?!" He exclaimed running to his closet. "That's what I've been doing for the past 20 minutes. Why do you think I laid on you?" I laughed walking out of the room to the kitchen.
"Sorry that took so long." I said sitting back down on the couch with Alan. "It's okay." He smiled putting his arms around me. "Guess what tomorrow is." Alan said. "Our anniversary and Friday." I smiled. "I got a surprise for you." Alan smiled making me blush. "Thank you, I still don't know what to get you but I'll figure out something." I said and he smiled. "You know.. I always found cats interesting.." He sighed looking around the room. "Way to be obvious I know you do." I laughed laying my head on his shoulder.
"Hails have you seen my beanie?!" Vic yelled. "I'll be back." I said pecking his lips. "And I'll be waiting." He said pulling me in for one more. "Vic calm down." I said walking into his room and going straight for his dresser. "It's right here." I said handing it to him. "Want me to drive you there? I don't think I trust you driving right now." I said and he nodded. "Vic take this." I said quietly handing him one of my anxiety pills. "Thanks Hails, I can always count on you." He said with a smile giving me a hug before swallowing the pill. "You ready?" I asked and he nodded.
"Alan. Alan. Alan. Alan. Alan. Alan." I yelled jumping to the living room. "Yes?" He asked standing up laughing. "We are taking Vic to his band rehearsal." I said slipping on my shoes. "Okay." He laughed putting on his shoes as well. We waited for Vic in the car and he came running out and jumped into my truck. I sped to the venue because I felt like it and walked inside with Alan. I like to creep on them and see what they're doing every once in a while. "Hey." Tony said hugging me. "Hi." I said hugging him back. "Jamie was late too." Tony laughed and I shook my head. "Why is he late?" I asked. "Lost track of time in the shower." He said and I couldn't help but giggle. "That's Jaime." I smiled. "Karl." Mike called. "What?" I asked walking up to him. "Can you test these new sticks. I don't like how they feel or maybe I'm just being weird." Mike mumbled. "Gimme gimme." I said sticking my hand out. Mike laughed and handed me the sticks and let me do my thing. I started drumming 'Disaterology' and got lost in the song. I heard a guitar start and Tony was smiling at me and Jaime was getting his bass. Vic hopped up on stage and began singing and we finished the song together. I heard lots of clapping and I looked up to see all of SWS and Of Mice standing there. "Oh gee. Mike I think you're being weird. Just keep on drumming with them to get the feel of it." I said handing him the sticks. "But don't grip them to tight, I think that may be your issue with them. I will admit they do feel weird when I grip them super hard." I said and nodded with a smile. "You should be a drummer." He said walking back to the drums. "That's hilarious." I said jumping off the stage. "Taking after Mike?" Kellin joked and I laughed. "He wishes." I smirked giving him a thumbs up making him glare at me. Alan came up behind me and snaked his arms around my stomach. "Hey." I said turning my head to kiss his cheek. "The band decided to watch the concert tonight." Alan said which explained why everyone was here. "That's awesome." I said turning around. I stood side stage since the concert sold out with the rest of the boys. It makes me feel so proud seeing Vic and Mike up there, living their dream. "Austin you have to come over next Friday." I said on my way out of the concert. "Next Friday it is." He smiled giving me a hug. "Oh and have fun tomorrow." Austin said with a wink and a laugh. Alan must have told him something about the anniversary or something. looked down and looked at my phone which had a reminder. "Fuck.." I mumbled running to the door. "Babe what's the rush?" Alan asked me looking concerned. "Oh nothing." I smiled but the feeling of puking began to creep up on me. Maybe I shouldn't have run like that. "I don't feel to good.." I mumbled putting a hand to my head. My vision began to fog up and I felt extremely light headed. "Vic!" Alan screamed. I felt my legs give out and I let myself fall into Vic's arms. "Hails look at me." Vic said softly. "Hails?" Vic said again. I could hear him but I couldn't speak. "Alan has she ate today?!" I heard Mike exclaim. "I'm not sure she woke up before I did but no I haven't seen her eat since I woke up." I heard Alan say. "Damnit!" Mike yelled. "What's wrong with Karliah?!" I heard Austin say. "I think she's starving herself again." I heard Vic whimper. "Hails please say something.." Vic trailed off. I felt a tear hit my cheek and I blinked in response. "Lilah blink if you hear me." Austin said so I blinked three times in a row. "Give her this." Mike said. "Perfect." Vic said sitting me up. "Hails." Vic said and I opened my mouth. I drank the soda and I shut my eyes. I wish they didn't have to find out like this. I did eat a little snack when I woke up to tide me over. "Hails why..?" Vic asked and I opened my eyes and moved my hand to his. "Alan we're going to take her for the night." Mike said quietly. "I can't believe I didn't notice." I heard Alan mumble. "Come on." Mike said gently picking me up. Thankfully the concert was over and everyone was gone except SWS, PTV and OM&M. Mike put me in the back of the car and sat next to me. He laid his head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry.." I mumbled and he moved his head to my lap and I put my arms around him and closed my eyes. I wish I could stop hurting them like this, it kills me and makes me feel worse. We arrived at my house but Mike wasn't moving. "Is he asleep?" Vic asked not looking me in the eye which I nodded yes in response. I woke him up gently and his eyes were red. Vic frowned and so did I. I slowly walked inside leaning on Vic. "How long?" Vic asked sitting on the couch. "A month maybe." I mumbled. "I just wanted to drop a couple pounds. I ate a snack this morning. I'm okay, I'll stop. I'm sorry I just want to stop being such a disappointment to you." I cried out putting my head in my hands. "You've never been a disappointment to us!" Mike said. "Karliah you know we'll always love you." Vic said. "Ever since him you've treated me differently. Don't deny it." I said looking up and them. "You blame yourselves when it's not your fault." I finished looking back down. "I told Ma that I would take care of you and I failed." Vic mumbled and Mike looked at him. "You've known about this?!" Mike said standing up. "Only me and Mom knew." Vic said slouching down. "Why didn't any of you tell me?!" Mike yelled. "Mike please stop." I said crying harder. "I'm sorry." Mike said sitting down putting his head in his hands. "Hails what is really going on." Vic mumbled. "I had a miscarriage." I said quietly and both Vic and Mike's head snapped up in my direction. Their mouths dropped open but no words were spoken or muttered. It felt good finally telling someone. It was killing me that I haven't even told Alan. He never even knew I was pregnant. "Does Alan know?" Mike finally muttered. "No. He didn't even know I was pregnant." I said looking at my feet. "That's why you were suddenly sick." Vic finally said and I nodded. "I'm so sorry." Vic said moving so he was next to me and Mike did the same. "Do you know why?" Mike asked quietly. "The doctor said it was because of stress. It's all my fault." I broke down. "Don't say that! It's not your fault." Mike said pulling me into his embrace. "Mike pack a bag." Vic said quietly. "Why?" He asked. "We're all going home." Vic mumbled. "Come on Karls." Mike said gently. I cried all the way up the stairs and while Mike packed a bag for me. I didn't cry when I found out I just became even more depressed I finally broke. "I can't stand seeing you like this." Mike mumbled sitting next to me. I couldn't say anything because I was crying so hard I was having issues breathing. I climbed on Mike's back and he carried me downstairs while we waited for Vic. "I already have clothes their." Mike said and Vic nodded. Mike sat in the back with me again and held me as I cried the whole way to our parents house. Vic pulled out the key and unlocked the door. "Mom?" Vic said. "Vic?" Our Mom said coming around the corner. "Karliah." Our mom said throwing her arms around me. "Ma." I cried out putting my arms around her. "Vic, Mike?" Our Dad said walking in the room. "We'll explain later." Mike said. "Let's get you to bed." My Mom said to me quietly and I nodded. She walked up the stairs with me and handed me my pjs and let me change but came in shortly after to tuck me in. "I love you." She said quietly kissing my forehead. "I love you too." I sniffled back closing my eyes. "I love you." Vic said quietly walking into the room. "And I love you." Mike said coming in behind. "I'll always love you." Our Dad said walking in. I felt the tears building up again. "I'll always love you guys." I said letting the tears escape. "I'll meet you guys downstairs." Mike said sitting on the bed. "Sleep well Hails." Vic said quietly leaving with Mom and Dad. "Karliah" Mike said quietly, he never says my full name. He just calls me Karl, to my aggravation or Karls which I don't mind. "I'm so sorry." He said looking down. I sat up and wiped my eyes. "Don't apologize, you haven't done anything." I said crawling towards him. "I abandoned my sister." He said looking at me. His eyes were bloodshot and I couldn't understand where he was coming from. "But you haven't?" I said sitting next to him. "Ever since I walked in on that I just couldn't look at you the same. Karls the look on your face and the way you pleaded for him to stop. I don't ever want to see that again. Everytime I look at you I think of that and that if I had stayed a little bit longer, taken you on tour, asked you how you were doing. Why you were so drained." Mike mumbled letting a few tears escape. "Michael." I said quietly pulling him into my embrace. "I just want you to be okay again." Mike sobbed out and I was taken back. "I want to tell you that I'm okay but that would be a lie but I will tell you that I will get better with time." I said quietly. "I don't understand why it's so hard for you to talk to me." Mike murmured. "What?" I asked taking a deep breath in. "You always have gone to Vic. I suppose you could say I'm jealous. I just wish you'd talk to me more." Mike said laying his body on the bed. "I didn't know you felt this way, I'm so sorry if you feel like I favor him over you because I don't. It's just as a child, Vic was more understanding. You were tough love and Vic would sit there and let me explain why I was so mad even though it would be over a leaf falling off a tree because I was one weird child. I have wanted to talk to you but I've kept you in the dark. But now you know." I said quietly laying my head on his shoulder. Mike started to get up but I stopped him. "Mike you're staying." I said pulling him back down and tucked him in. "I should be tucking you in." He mumbled. "Mike, nothing is your fault and yeah I may be your little sister but you can't protect me from everything. Going through all that made me strong. I'm just glad you supported me as much as you did." I said quietly kissing the top of his head. "Can you sing to me?" Mike asked quietly. "Yeah." I said quietly getting under the covers as well. I was so lost in my sadness I never bothered to see how Mike felt. All this time he's felt this bad and I never checked in on him. I began singing the song that our mom would sing to us when we were little and couldn't sleep which always made Mike pass out. As I kept on singing it I felt my eyes start to droop and I let myself fall asleep. "Goodnight Mike." I mumbled quietly.

*Vic's POV*

"Vic what's going on?" Our Dad asked. "Karliah needs to stay here for tonight. I'm worried about her." I said looking at our mom. "She told Mike and I a couple hours ago that she miscarriaged and she kept it to herself and has been blaming herself so she stopped eating and collapsed. Mom I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I failed you when I told you that I would keep her safe." I said putting my head down. "Vic you can't blame yourself for this. A miscarriage is a huge thing for a woman." Our Dad said putting his arm around me. "I'll talk with her in the morning but get some rest Vic. You need it." Our Mom said giving me a hug. "Okay." I mumbled standing up. "Goodnight." I said quietly. "Goodnight." My parents said back. I already knew Mike had fallen asleep, most likely in the room with Hails since she's good at that. There's been so many times you would be in the room with her not even tired but you'll pass out for no reason. I swear she gives sleep vibes. I walked into my old room that used to share with Mike. It for the most part still looked the same. I put on some pjs and climbed into my bed and closed my eyes. Hopefully tomorrow will be better for all of us.

*Mike's POV*

I woke up curled up in a ball in the center of the bed with Karliah no where in sight. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and slowly walked down stairs. "Hey." Vic said with a small smile. "Where is she?" I asked sitting down quietly. "Went to pick up Alan and had to turn something in at work but she should be back soon." Vic said and continued eating. "Oh." I said getting up to get my plate ready. I texted Alysha and began eating when Karliah walked through the door with Alan right behind her. "I'm back." She called out quietly. "In the kitchen." Our mom said happily. "You must be Alan." Our mom said greeting him. Karliah walked up to me and laid her head on my shoulder, "Ma said that I have to tell him." She murmured looking a bit scared. "Hey it's okay. Just slam your foot on the ground if anything goes wrong and Vic and I will be right there." I said looking at her. I gave her a hug and she trudged up the stairs so I pointed to Alan and signaled him to follow her. Alan will understand, he has too. For the next hour we heard nothing, just silence from upstairs. Finally Alan came down the stairs with Karls sleeping on his back. "Taking her home?" Our Dad asked and Alan nodded. His eyes were slightly red aswell. I walked up to him and stood in front of the door. "Alan, she really cares about you. Please be gentle with her but keep an eye on her." I said quietly and opened the front door for him. "I will Mike, thank you." Alan said with a small smile. "I'll call you if she starts acting weird." Alan said before walking to his car. I shut the door and flopped on the floor next to Vic. "She'll be okay." He said putting his hand on the back of my shoulder. "I don't know Vic. I can only hope." I mumbled.